Most viewed jokes

Well, if there's any truth to this study at all, then I should live to be 180 minimum! :)

From the New England Journal of Medicine:

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine:

- Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out - declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease.

- Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation - explains Dr. Weatherby.

- There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier.

- Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.

...hmmm - I wonder if PC boobies count?

P.S: I've already volunteered myself to science just in case they want to do a "hands on" study of the same type...woo-hoo!

On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.

- I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man - she tells her new hubby.

The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?. The wife answers ...well maybe! Husband asks who it was.

The wife answers - it was Tiger Woods.

Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he's not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon "thing". When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.

- What are you doing? - asked his bride.

"I'm calling for room service. After all that work I'm hungry!"

The wife says:

- Tiger wouldn't do that.

- Really! Just what would TIGER do? - says the husband.

Well we would do it again!

Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed. This same thing happens two more times, after which the guy is pretty tired.

So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.

The wife says..you're not calling room service are you!!!!

- NO - says the exhausted hubby!

- Well who are you calling then - she asks.

I'm calling Tiger Woods...

I want to see what par is for this hole!

We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.

My sister opened a computer store on a beach in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.

A friend of mine told some jokes about religion and got put on the Sects Offenders List.

A guy turns up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back.

- What are you supposed to be? - asked the host.

- I'm a snail. - he said, Can't you see, I'm carrying Michelle on my back.

Gardeners' playing cards - weed em and reap.

A six-foot termite walks into a bar. He raps on the bar and asks:

- Excuse me...is the bar tender here?

Perforation is a rip-off!

A poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.

And of course, there was the pillow and mattress manufacturing company that had a problem with staff... Some of them just felt down all the time, and the rest were sleeping on the job.

And don't forget about the telecoms engineer who was committed to an asylum... They said he had too many hang-ups.

Friction. It's such a drag. And gravity sucks too.

Confucious say...

- Woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam

- Man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts

- Man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off

- Boy who lay girl on hill, not on level

- Man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!

- He who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed

- He who smoke pot, choke on handle

- Woman who wear g-string, high on crack!

- He who stand on toilet, high on pot!

- Boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!

- Girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!

- Man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!

- Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!

- He who masturbate, screw only himself!

- He who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!

- Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!

- At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!

- You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

- You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.

- They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world. Look through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.

- You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?

- Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.

- Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

- You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.

- You will never be able to live down to your reputation!

- Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.

- Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

Why couldn't the clock be kept in jail?
→ Because time was always running out.

How do you spell a hated opponent with three letters?
→ NME (enemy).

- Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time.

- Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!

Had a door-to-door salesman call one time selling of all things -- burial plots. I told him that we already had our plots in another cemetery.

He seemed uncertain as to what to say next, but he recovered to say politely:

- I hope you'll be very happy there.

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.

- Rabbi: What are doing here with a dog?

- Bernie: The dog came here to pray.

- Oh, come on, says the Rabbi.

- YES! says Bernie.

- Rabbi: I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple.

- Bernie: Its true!..

- Ok, says the Rabbi, then show me what the dog can do.

- OK, says Bernie nodding to the dog...

The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie:

- Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says:

- YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!