A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.
The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.
He says:
- She cannot talk rrright now, she 'as a frog in ze thrrrought.
What did God say after he created man?
→ - I can do better than this and he made woman.
But the disruptions created in Adam's internals when God removed his rib were so great that it caused Adam's brain to sink down into his testicles.
And so one of Eve's first assignments was to explain to Adam the difference between his black and navy blue socks.
Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?
→ They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.
Sighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.
Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly:
- That's why we ask.
Sighting #3: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when he asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. He responded, appalled:
- What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???
Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #5: I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his system would not turn on.
Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
- Tech Support: How much free space do you have on your hard drive?
- Individual: Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?
Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):
- Individual: Now what do I do?
- Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
- Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."
- Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
- Individual: How do you spell that?
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true:
- I'm as sober as you are, your honor, - the man claimed.
The judge replied:
- Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?
→ You can make a pet out of the snake.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
→ A tick drops off you when you die.
What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
→ Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
→ A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced:
- I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin.
- Sit down, - said the judge.
- That is the prosecuting attorney.
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question:
- Have you ever been arrested?
- No, - he answered.
The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question 'yes', was "why?". Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it:
- Never got caught.
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory."
"One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."
"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehova, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 metres all around me, it was Tuesday..."
There is an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Ukranian and the are in their final stages of training for the FBI. The agents explained to them their final test.
- We have each one of your wives contained in separate cells and what you guys have to do in order to complete your FBI training is you have to prove your loyalty. You must grab that gun and go into your wifes cell and kill her.
The englishman grabbed the gun.
- Man I hate that bitch. She is going to get it good.
He walked off into the cell and was in there for about a minute. There was just silence. He came out crying:
- We've been maried too long. I just cant do it.
So he was booted out.
The frenchman grabbed the gun.
- If I must, I must.
He went into his wifes cell for about a minute and there was silence. He came walking out crying:
- I love her too much. I just can't do it.
So he was booted out.
So the ukranian grabbed the gun and stormed into his wifes cell.
- That fucking bitch is really going to get it.
Gun shots went off until there was no more shots left. He was still in the room and all of a sudden, there was banging and scrapping and crashing and then silence. The ukranian came out with cuts and briuses all over his face.
The agent asked:
- What the hell happened in there?
The Ukranian replied:
- Some fucker put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the bitch!
The teacher of the fourth grade class was giving an English lesson:
- All right class, I want everyone to write a sentence which starts with a question and ends with an answer and has the words possible and definite in it!
All at once, young Johnny's hand shot up.
- Miss! Miss! - called Johnny.
- Write it down, Johnny! - said the teacher.
- ... But Miss! Miss! Miss! - Johnny intoned.
- I said write it down! - exclaimed the teacher who was now quite peeved.
- Miss! Miss! - called Johnny once more.
- Okay, Johnny. I give up. What is it?
- Is it possible that farts have lumps in them?
- No! - said the startled teacher.
- Then I have definitely shit myself!
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
→ They're afraid of flying off the handle!
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
→ Dayscare centers.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
→ His ghoul friend.
What do ghosts serve for dessert?
→ I Scream.
What do witches put on their hair?
→ Scare spray.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
→ Bamboo.
What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
→ Boo boos.
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
→ Because of his coffin.
Why do mummies make excellent spies?
→ They're good at keeping things under wraps.
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
→ Because everyone was a goblin!
How did the ghost patch his sheet?
→ With a pumpkin patch.
What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
→ His other fang.
The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (Yes, Guys, these are REAL.)1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life 2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed 3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye 4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 5) How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life? 7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral 8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life 9) I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 10) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me 11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart. 12) I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow 14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! 15) I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 16) I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy 17) I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life 18) I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised 19) I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart 20) I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line 21) If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 22) If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low 23) If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You 24) If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will 25) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? 26) Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) 27) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic 28) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus 29) My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart 30) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him 31) Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You 32) Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill 33) She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft 34) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger 35) She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart 36) She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty 37) Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone 38) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out 39) Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart 40) When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In 41) You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too 42) You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd 43) You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat 44) You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life 45) You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
