Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.
- I'm not paying - said the duck.
- I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it.
- I've spent my last buck - said the deer.
- Then the duck'll have to pay - said the skunk.
- Getting here cost me my last scent.
A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume party. Being shy and self-conscious about his appearance, he goes to the best costume shop in town. When he gets there, he tells the shop owner his situation and that he would rather cover his head and leg with a costume instead of exploiting his apparent problems. So, the shop owner comes back with a lifeguard costume.
The man says:
- No, no. That will show off my peg leg. I can't hide it with that. Try again.
So the shop owner leaves and comes back with a monk costume. And again the man says:
- No, no. I can't wear that. It will make people notice my head.
Obviously pissed off, the shop owner leaves and comes back with a five-pound bag of caramels, gives it to the man and says:
- Here. Just take this.
Confused, the man says:
- What am I supposed to do with a bag of caramels?
Smiling, the shop owner says:
- Take home this bag of caramels, melt them, pour it all over your body, stick that peg leg up your ass and tell everyone you're a caramel apple.
- Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? - asked Jane's best friend.
- Why shouldn't I? - said Jane.
- Well, maybe he is having an affair?
- No way - said Jane.
- he never returns with any fish...
What did the leper say to the hooker?
→ Keep the tip.
A German woman is walking down the street.
Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her.
She screams:
- Nein! Nein!
So two guys walk away.
A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom:
- I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?
Her mother replied:
- Of couse it is, dear.
The next day, the blonde said:
- I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?
Her mother replied:
- Of course it is dear!
The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother:
- I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?
Her mother replied:
- No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old.
The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man.
The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless.
- Aidan - said the neighbor - I never knew you were so strong.
- Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly.
Did you hear about the time Eddy's sister tried to make a birthday cake?
→ The candles melted in the oven.
A biologist from the North Pole was showing a new recruit the ropes of a polar bear radio tracking program. The new recruit said:
- I know how the transmitters work, but I have one question--how do you catch the polar bears in the first place?
- I bet you use high-powered tranquilizer dart guns, right?
- Oh no! - the experienced biologist replied.
- we use an ancient Eskimo technique, developed centuries ago. First, we dig a huge hole in the ice. Next, we place a circle of green peas all the way around the hole.
- Then, we go hide behind some ice blocks and wait. Finally, when a polar bear comes up to take a pea, we kick him in the ice-hole!!!
Garvin the mammalogist, was in Alaska studying polar bear. In sub-zero weather, he would spend 7 days out on the ice. But, after his 7 days in the field, he would return to the small town and spend a day or two resting up and drinking in the only bar in town.
On one particular day it was 40 below zero and Garvin made his way into the bar. He asked Bud, the bartender, for a whiskey.
- I don't know, Garvin, you sure have run-up a big bill in here. - The bartender told him.
- I know - Garvin replied.
- But I'm flat broke, and I sure could use a drink.
- OK - The barkeep told him.
- I'll just write your tab down on the piece of paper and pin it up here by the coat rack.
- Oh no, don't do that, I don't want everyone in town to see it.
- Don't worry - The bartender replied.
- I'm going to cover it up with your parka until its paid!
