Most viewed jokes

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Gangsta Barbie ...complete set of Raiders apparel; rap cassette included

- I was married 3 times - explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.

- That's a shame. - said his friend , How did it happen?

- She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey:

- If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant:

- What was the problem?

- The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine - explained the flight attendant.

- and it took us a while to find a new pilot.

A student was heading home for the holidays.
When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark:

- I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.

The confused agent said:

- I'm sorry, we can't do that.

- Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!

At one of the packed, Delta ticket counters all of ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could. A man toward the end of the snaking line of passengers was obviously impatient and very frustrated at having to wait so long in the slow moving line. He finally decided to march right up to the counter pulling his wheeled suitcase and demanded that he be given his boarding pass. The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took a shallow, deep breath and said, "Sir, as you can see there are many passengers ahead of you. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in line". Outraged and red in the face, the man yelled at the ticket agent saying, "Do you know who I am ???!!!." The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took another shallow, deep breath, picked up the public address system microphone and said calmly, "There is a man at the Delta ticket counter who does not know who he is. Anyone who may be able to identify this man is asked to please step forward and identify him. Thank you".

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? - Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - Jane

Dear God, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! - Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. - Bruce

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. - Danny

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. - Sam

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions. - Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey D.

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Hit Television Shows in Iraq:

- "Husseinfeld"

- "Mad About Everything"

- "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"

- "Suddenly Sanctions"

- "Allah McBeal"

- "Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"

- "Matima Loves Chachi"

- "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"

- "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"

- "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"

- "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"

- "Achmed's Creek"

- "The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"

- M*U*S*T*A*S*H

- "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"

- "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque"

- "When Kurds Attack"

- "Just Shoot Me"

- "My Two Baghdads"

- "Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"

- "Two Guys, a Girl and a Fatwah"

- "Totally Clothed Baywatch"

Why do men like BMWs?
→ They can spell it.

Top Ten Changes to the new Star Wars update

10. Tie fighters replaced with black UN helicopters lead by Buotros Buotros Vader.
11. Sand People replaced by Michigan Militia members (and still walk single file to hide their numbers).
12. Kahn turns out to be Captain Kirk's father (whoops, that's from the Top Ten new Star Trek movie changes).
13. Chewbacca now giggles when you tickle his tummy.
14. If you look closely, storm troopers now have Microsoft employee badges.
15. Original Jawas: Killed by Storm Troopers for having R2 and C3P0. New Jawas: Killed for pitching yet another lame JAVA product "concept".
16. Obi Wan's name changed to OS/2 Kenobi. Uncle Owen now constantly says "I think he died X years ago" where X changes between 10 years before to 10 years in the future. Storm troopers now don't kill Uncle Owen but instead appoint him head of the Imperial press.
17. Amiga users upset because the new computers in the Death Star are PC's when they could have been replaced with a single Amiga 1000 with 512K of ram and still run "tons faster and do real multitasking unlike those PEE-CEEs"
18. The Canteen now has real rock stars in it. They look as they normally do but still manage to look more alien than the original aliens in there.
19. Death Star's old slogan: "Fear this battle station"
    Death Star's NEW slogan: "Where do you want to go today?"