Most viewed jokes

How do you make a tame duck wild?
→ Annoy it.

What do you get from a drunk chicken?
→ Scotch eggs!

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:

- Jesus is watching you!

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

- Jesus is watching you - the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot:

- Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?

- Yes - said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot:

- What's your name?

- Clarence - said the bird.

- That's a dumb name for a parrot - sneered the burglar.

- What idiot named you Clarence?

The parrot said:

- The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.

Did you hear about the idiot who had a new bath put in?
The plumber said:

- Would you like a plug for it?

The idiot replied:

- Oh, I didn't know it was electric.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Steamroller Barbie ...doll squashed flat

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

- But I paid, don't you remember? - says the customer.

- Okay - says the bartender.

- If you said you paid, you did.

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies:

- If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it.

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says:

- You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.

- Don't bother me with your troubles - the final patron responds.

- Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.

- I was married 3 times - explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.

- That's a shame. - said his friend , How did it happen?

- She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!

At one of the packed, Delta ticket counters all of ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could. A man toward the end of the snaking line of passengers was obviously impatient and very frustrated at having to wait so long in the slow moving line. He finally decided to march right up to the counter pulling his wheeled suitcase and demanded that he be given his boarding pass. The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took a shallow, deep breath and said, "Sir, as you can see there are many passengers ahead of you. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in line". Outraged and red in the face, the man yelled at the ticket agent saying, "Do you know who I am ???!!!." The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took another shallow, deep breath, picked up the public address system microphone and said calmly, "There is a man at the Delta ticket counter who does not know who he is. Anyone who may be able to identify this man is asked to please step forward and identify him. Thank you".

What has four legs and an arm?
→ A happy pit bull.

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty. A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck:

- My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?

On hearing this the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and says:

- Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business!