Most viewed jokes

What would you call two banana skins?
→ A pair of slippers.

A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

- This is your doctor - says the voice on the phone.

- We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.

- G.A.S.H? - replies the patient.

- What the hell is that?

- It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes - explains the doctor.

- My gosh, Doc! - screams the man in a panic.

- what are we going to do?

- Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread - says the doctor matter-of-factly.

- Will that cure me?

- Well no - says the doctor.

- but it's the only food that will fit under the door.

Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a set of tracks.

- Looks like deer tracks - said one blonde.

- No, it looks like maybe a cow track - another blonde suggested.

- Actually, I think they are just dog tracks - the third blonde offered.

They were still arguing when the train hit them!

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband should never question his wife's judgement. Look whom she married!

A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.

A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.

Advice to the new bride: You can't be treated like a doormat if you don't line down.

Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.

Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don't waste that night with the girls.

After a moment of quite repose
It's tum to tum and toes to toes
After a moment of sheer delight
It's back to back for the rest of the night.

All marriages are happy; it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

All men are born free and equal, but then lots of them grow up and get married.

Always talk to your wife while you're making love...if there's a phone handy..

And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him...

And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise.

Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.

As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn.

As you slide down the bannister of life, may all the marital splinters be pointed in the right direction.

Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know where the wild goose goes.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Bride, at wedding: Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted a prick like my mother's.

Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink. Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.

Congratulations, rots of ruck, sideways is great.

Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day. Love Bill and Mary Farkin and the whole farkin family.

Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug!

Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.

Dear {bride}, Isn't it funny how history repeats itself? {Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy - and now it's happening all over again!

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.

Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in Labor.

Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers); they stand behind everything they sell.

Did you hear about the new men's magazine that caters exclusively to married men?

It's like Playboy or Penthouse magazine, except the centerfold is the same month after month after month...

How are men like noodles?
→ They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out:

- GREEN SIDE UP!

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled:

- GREEN SIDE UP! The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled:

- GREEN SIDE UP!

The lady then asked him:

- Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?

- I'm sorry, - came the reply.

- But I have a crew of engineers laying sod across the street.

A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the bar of the Railway Hotel.

- Yeah, ma'am - he says to the barmaid - ah'm looking to buy me a ranch- stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week to ride around it on a horse?

- Yeah? - says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar.

- If we had a horse like that we'd turn it into glue.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
→ He eats beans for dinner.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
→ Because they don't have testicles.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
→ Breasts don't have eyes.

Why don't men eat more M&M's?
→ They're too hard to peel.

What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
→ Gifted.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
→ A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
→ He's breathing.

What do men and bottles of beer have in common?
→ They're both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
→ Who cares!!!!

What is the thinnest book in the world?
→ What Men Know About Women

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One. Men will screw anything!

How do you save a man from drowning?
→ Take your foot off his head.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know - it's never happened.

Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
→ Because they're stupid.

How are men and parking spots alike?
→ The good ones are always taken.

Why do men like love at first sight?
→ It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
What does a man of 35 think of?
→ Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
→ In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
→ A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
→ They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
→ He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
→ All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
→ At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
→ Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
→ Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
→ They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
→ Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
→ So men can remember them.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
→ It takes too long to retrain them.