Most viewed jokes

A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it:

- Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes? - the man asked.

"Because," replied the blonde:

- my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said:

- OK, lets get out and get him.

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted:

- The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?

The guy in the front says:

- Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I'd brace myself!

A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop.

- Oh no! - cried the brunette.

- Is he following me?

- Yep - replied the blonde.

- I'm going to drive down this little side road, okay? - said the brunette.

- Yep - replied the blonde.

- Is the cop still following me?

- Yep.

- Is his lights on?

- Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope...

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.
8. If I saw it first, its mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, its yours.

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling:

- Well, how was it?

The woman says:

- You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.

A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady:

- why is your stomach so big?

She replied:

- Im having a baby.

With big eyes, he asked:

- Is the baby in your stomach?

She said:

- He sure is.

Then the little boy with a puzzled look asked:

- Is it a good baby?

She said:

- oh yes, its a real good baby.

With even a more surprised and shocked look he said:

- Then why in the world did you eat him?

Rarely do we receive a chain letter I feel compelled to pass on, but under the circumstances....

President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.

Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women between the ages of 21 & 35 are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's ok to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)

And to do my part, I'm buying stickers for all women who participate.

Stop by my house so I can put the sticker on you to show you helped!

Names and addresses of non-participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.

The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and applaud you!

You know you are in a Texas church when:

- People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

- The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.

- The restrooms are outside.

- Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

- A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

- When it rains, everyone is smiling.

- Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

- The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".

- The pastor wears boots.

- Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

- There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

- Baptism is referred to as "branding".

- There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.

- Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

- High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

- People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

- People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.

- The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Avocado!

- Avocado who?

- Avocado a cold!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Axel!

- Axel who?

- Axeldental Tourist!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Atch!

- Atch who?

- I'm sorry I didn't know you had a cold!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Athena!

- Athena who?

- Athena flying saucer!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Argo!

- Argo who?

- Argo down the shops!

Why is it tough to compete against a vampire?
→ Because they're always out for blood!