Most viewed jokes

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said:

- My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.

The teacher said:

- That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Sally raised her hand and said:

- My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.

The teacher said:

- Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said loudly:

- My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons.

The teacher said:

- That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence.

Little Johnny continued:

- But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said:

- I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy.

Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? - replied the bull.

- They're packed with nutrients.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

Did you hear Princess Diana was on the radio?
→ Yep, and on the window, and on the dashboard...

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

- So, are you feeling any better now? - says the little guy.

What type of people do vampires like?
→ Type O positive people.

What's pink, lives in a sty and drinks blood?
→ A hampire.

Why did the rabbit have trouble hopping?
→ Because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck!

- Cop: Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you back there?

- Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning, Mr. Mayor."

- Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next town.

What was the name of the hog who was knighted by King Arthur?
→ Sir Lunchalot.

What lands as often on its tail as it does its head?
→ A penny.