Most viewed jokes

You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there?
→ He's the one with a duck.

A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.

The wive says:

- I don't want to go hunting because its cold out, and I've never been butt fucked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob.

So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says:

- your dick tastes like shit!

The guy says:

- yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either.

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice:

- Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner:

- Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her.

- Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help.

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

- Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you - she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said:

- Yes?

- Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please? - said the officer.

- Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle - he replied confidently.

- Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago.

You're so ugly, yo momma had to tie a pork chop around your neck just to get the dog to play with you.

Yo momma's so fat that the last time that she wore a T-shirt with a X on it a helicopter tried to land on her.

Your dog is so dumb that if you were to cut off his tail and make him walk backwards he'd start wagging his head!

Why do farts smell?
→ So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Ok guys, own up...which one are you?

• Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.
• Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.
• Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.
• Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy.
• Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink.
• Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.
• Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.
• Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.
• Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.
• Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.
• Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.
• Sneaky Type Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him.
• Sloppy Type Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.
• Learned Type Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.
• Childish Type Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing.
• Efficient Type Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time.
• Strong Type Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.
• Drunken Type Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers.
• Embarrassed Type Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers.
• Cock-Eyed Type Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.

A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.

- Oh God! - she screams.

- Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!

- Let's go - says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!

On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.

- What seems to be the problem? - he asks.

- I've got a frigging bee up my vagina - screams the woman.

- Get it out!

- I see - says the doctor.

- Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.

The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.

- Just an inch or two should do it - he says.

After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says 'Hmmm, it doesn't seem to be biting. I'll have to go deeper' and slides it in all the way. Suddenly he starts fondling her boobs with his hands, thrusting violently with his hips and moaning with what sounds like pleasure.

- HOLD IT! - says the boyfriend

- What are you doing?

- Change of plans! - shouts the doctor...

- I've decided to drown the little bastard!

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies:

- I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass.

The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say's nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more.

A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.

The barman gets the drinks and says:

- it's probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think it's very fair for him to call you that.

The woman turns to him and smiles and says:

- Oh, dont worry, it's ok - heaw, heaw, he always calls me that!

- I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was - 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

- Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

- A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' - she sneered.

- I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.

- Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

- Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

- My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said:

- Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.

- In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

- I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.

- A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.

- I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

- I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

- Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

- Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

- If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

- The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!'

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said:

- It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.

Adam answered:

- Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'

So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said:

- Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.

And the Lord replied:

- Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve.

And Adam said:

- What is a 'caress?'

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said:

- Lord, that was even better than the kiss.

And the Lord said:

- You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.

And Adam asked:

- What is 'make love' Lord?

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said:

- Lord, what is a 'headache?'