Most viewed jokes

- I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.

- I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.

- Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can't take the credit.

- This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.

- Look, don't go to a mind reader go to a palmist I know you've got a palm.

- Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!

- I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

- We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.

- Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you?

- I'd like to break the monotony where's your weakest point?

- The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?

- I hear you are an officer. Your rank is -- just plain rank!

- You say you are a West Pointer, but you look like an Irish Setter.

- You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jay-walking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.

- Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted. The first guy said "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter." So God made him 100 times smarter. The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter." So God made him 1000 times smarter. The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter." So God made him a woman!!

A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it.

- Hi honey, - said the woman on the other end.

- Hi honey, - replied the man.

- I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It's beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on sale too, a real bargain. It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get it?

The man thought about it for a sec and said:

- You're sure it's a good deal?

- Oh yes, - replied the woman.

- Okay then, I guess you can get it, - replied the man.

The woman continued:

- Oh, and you know how we've been thinking about getting rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower the price from $50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?

The man thought a little harder and said:

- If you're sure it's a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar.

The woman continued again.

- Oh, one last thing, honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we'd wait and think about? Well, it's on the market again, so I checked the price. It's down to $450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in the checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get it?

The man got a frown on his face and said:

- See if you can get them down to $420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get it.

The woman was extremely excited.

- Okay honey, thank you so much! I'll see you when I get home! Bye!

- Bye, - said the man. He hung up the phone and looked at the other men in the locker room and said:

- Does anyone know whose phone this is?

Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
→ On their bunnymoon.

How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.

What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty?
→ "Are you my mother?"

A Director arrives below and is met by Satan who shows him around. Turns out that Hell is a gigantic movie studio with the latest and best equipment, stages, great actors, etc. Director thinks its great and asks Satan what heaven is like if hell is this good. Satan says heaven is exactly like this, a movie studio. The Director is confused.

- Then what's the difference - he asks.

Satan smiles:

- Well, in heaven they actually make movies.

How do fish go into business?
→ The start on a small scale!

Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
→ Because it was always running out of the pen.

- Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

- Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.