Most viewed jokes

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

- Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Viciou Animal - he starts writing in his notebook.

- But I'm not a Giants fan - the little hero replied.

- Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were. - said the reporter and starts again.

- Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack - he continued writing in his notebook.

- I'm not a Jets fan either - the boy said.

- I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for? - the reporter asked.

- I'm a Cowboys fan. - the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

- Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!

- Accountants do it with Double Entry

- Acupuncturists do it with a small prick

- Ambulance drivers come quicker

- Australians do it Down Under

- Bach did it using the organ

- Bankers do it with interest

- Bartenders do it on the Rocks

- Batman does it using his Robin

- Bookkeepers do it for the record

- Bosses delegate the task to others

- Chess players check their Mates

- Cops do it with cuffs

- DJs do it on request

- Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure

- Dentists do it orally

- Detectives do it under cover

- Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers

- Elevator men do it up and down

- Engineers do it to specifications

- Engineers do it to a first order approximation

- Firemen do it with a big hose

- Frank Sinatra does it his way

- Garbagemen come twice a week

- Gardeners do it on the bushes

- Gas attendants Pump all day

- Golfers do it in 18 holes

- Landlords do it every 1st of the month

- Managers make others do it

- Marketing reps do it on commission

- Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free

- Teachers do it with class

- Waiters and waitresses do it for tips

- Zoologists do it with animals

This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following effective sign:

This parking space belongs to the Wizard.... Violators will be toad!

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says:

- Would you like to dance?

The girl says:

- I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you!

The guy says:

- I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend

Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

There was a man that was stranded, standing on nothing but a rock in the middle of the sea, waiting for someone to come. Then along comes a boat.

The man on the boat asks:

- do you want any help?

Man on the rock replies:

- no- the Lord will save me - so then the man on the boat went away. A helicopter then came and asked him:

- do you want any help?

The man replied:

- no - the Lord will save me! Then along comes another man on a boat and asks:

- do you want any help?

and he said:

- no-the Lord will save me.

By this stage he was up to his neck in water. He then drowned. He was at the holy gates and asked St. Peter:

- why didn't the Lord save me????

St. Peter said:

- he sent you 2 boats a helicpter-what more do you want!?

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

- These hills are getting steeper as the years go by - one complained.

- These fairways seem to be getting longer too - said one of the others.

- The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too - said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said:

- Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks:

- and how much money do you make a week?

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies:

- I make $200.00 a week. Why?

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams:

- here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks:

- does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters:

- Pizza delivery guy.

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared:

- Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?

The trembling monkey says:

- You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows:

- Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?

The terrified ox stammers:

- Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars:

- Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant:

- Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him:

- You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died? - The 60 year old responded

- Who said he was dead?

The doctor was surprised and asked:

- How old is he and is he very active?

The 60 year old responded:

- Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer.

The doctor couldn't believe it:

- Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?

The 60 year old responded again:

- Who said he was dead?

The doctor was astonished. He said:

- You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?

The 60 year old said:

- He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that - said the patient

- my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again.

The doctor said:

- At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?

His patient looked up at the doctor and said:

- Who said he wanted to?