Most viewed jokes

What's red and goes up and down?
→ A tomato in an elevator.

What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
→ We have to stick together.

What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
→ Hello, hello.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
→ A bulldoser.

When is a baseball player like a thief?
→ When he steals a base.

What did the can say to the can opener?
→ You make me flip my lid.

What is a volcano?
→ A mountain with the hiccups.

What do you find at the end of everything?
→ The letter "g".

What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
→ He called a toe truck.

Why do two skunks argue?
→ Because they like to kick up a stink.

What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
→ You can count on me.

What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
→ Put them in a barking lot.

Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
→ He wanted to be a cool cat.

What did the painter say to the wall?
→ One more crack and I'll plaster you.

Why is baseball like a cake?
→ They both need batters.

What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
→ Take me to your weeder.

What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
→ Slippers!

What did the rug say to the floor?
→ I've got you covered!

How do you make antifreeze?
→ You steal her blanket.

Why does a cow wear a bell?
→ Because her horns don't work.

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

- The effects are fleeting and lingering... - Overheard in a hallway

- In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted. - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

- A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across. - Announcer on KZOK radio

- He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful! - CBS baseball announcer

- An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement. - Irish Politician on RTE radio

- This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation. - BBC world service.

- We have two incredibly credible witnesses here. - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

- He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet. - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

Democrats wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.
Republicans do too, all year round.

A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband:

- But why did you stab him over a hundred times? - asked the judge.

- Oh, your Honor, - replied the defendant,

- I didn't know how to switch off the electric carving knife.

One day, two guys were driving to a local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red.

The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed:

- What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!

Then the driver responded:

- Don't worry, my mother allways drives like this.

So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said:

- I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!

The driver looked at the passenger and responded:

- I get it! But like I told already, you my mother drives like this all the time!

Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The driver slammed on his brakes and stopped the car completely.

- What the hell are you doing? - The passenger screamed.

- This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?

The driver replied:

- That's my mom's car coming over there!

- Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.

- Next time, take off the candles.

A witch went into a beauty parlor and asked the assistant how much it would cost to make her look like a film star.

- Nothing - replied the assistant.

- Nothing? - she asked, but how can I look like a film star?

- Haven't you seen a film called The Creature from the Black Lagoon? - replied the assistant.

Help Wanted: Telepath.

You know where to apply.

What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
→ Either way somebody loses a trailer home!

You know you're a redneck if your wife wants to take a bath but you have to move the transmision from the tub first.

You know you're a red neck when you go to family reunions to pick up chicks!

If you've been married three times and your in-laws aint changed then you might just be a redneck.

If a sign reads say no to crack and you pull up your pants then you might just be a redneck.

You know you are redneck when you mow your lawn and find a car.

You know you are redneck when your favorite shirt is illegal in more then 15 states.

You know you are redneck when you shut your car door and your gun makes you a sun-roof.

You know you are redneck when your friends go water skiing while you are towing your boat to the lake.

You might be a redneck if your exhaust system incorporates more than three wire hangers and at least two juice cans.

You might be a redneck if you think "fat-free" means undoing your belt and the first 3 buttons.

You know you're a redneck when you think marriage vows are what your father-in-law promised to do to you if you didn't marry his daughter.

You might be a redneck if an intimate evening at home consists of sharing the remote.

You might be a redneck if it's easier to rotate your home than your TV antenna.

You might be a redneck if you use old newspapers in more than 3 ways in your home.

You know you're a redneck if you stare at the Orange Juice container because it says "Concentrate."

You know you're a redneck when some one yells "hoe down" and your wife drops to the floor!

You might be a redneck if you can relate to the following statements:

1. "Nothing says lovin' like lovin? your cousin!"
2. "Why go across town when you can go across the hall?"
3. "If you can't keep it in the pants then keep it in the family."

You know you're a redneck when your family tree is a wreath.

You know your a redneck when your town priest is also your town plummer.

You know you're a redneck when you're front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You have a home that is mobil and 14 cars that aren't.

You know you're a redneck when you have seven cars in your driveway, but only one works.

What was the last thing the redneck said before he died?
→ "Hey y'all, watch this!"

You know your a redneck if your Thanksgiving turkey was once a family pet!

You might be a redneck if you wear cowboy boots with shorts.

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party.

Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on... just a pair of pants.

- What the hell are you supposed to be? - asked the host.

- A premature ejaculation - said the man:

- I just came in my pants!