Most viewed jokes

Why is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music?
→ Because if you don't C sharp you'll B flat.

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air:

- Anything you can do, I can do better.

The veteran bomber pilot answered:

- Try this hot-shot.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked:

- So? What did you do?

- I just shut down two engines, kid.

In the United States alone, there are over 10,000 cases of battered women.

And to think... all this time, I have been eating mine plain!

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
→ Men always miss them!

Did you hear about the Polish girl who tried to trade her menstrual cycle in on a Honda?

I love to go to the dentist. A man in white hovering over me while I'm trapped helpless in a chair. He cleans me. He flosses me. His instruments alive in my mouth.

And just when I don't think I can take it anymore, he says:

- Good girl, Marcie, you can spit now. - Marcie, from the "Married With Children" sitcom.

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

- A magic potion - she replies.

- Well what does it for - he asks.

- This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer.

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.

He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manage to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.

- Well - she asks.

- How has your game been?

- Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game.

- And how about your sex life?

- Oh, not bad.

- Really? This stuff can really ruin a guys sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?

- Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times.

- And you call that not bad?

- Not for a priest with a small parish.

Your momma so stanky...when she passes by the toilet it flushes!!!

There are 3 people walking down the street: the perfect man, the perfect woman, and Mickey Mouse. They see a $50 bill on the street. Who picks it up?

The perfect woman (naturally), because the other two are fictional characters!

As Jack the Ripper's mother said to her son:

- How come you never go out with the same girl twice?

As Caesar said:

- Let me mix that salad!

As Moses said to God:

- Let me see if I have it right - the Arabs get the oil and we get to cut off the tips of our WHAT?

As George Washington said when he was crossing the Delaware:

- I can't understand it. I paid for a seat!

As Jesse James said to his brother Frank:

- We can't rob that bank. That's where we keep our money!

As Vincent Van Gogh said after he cut off his ear:

- Don't shout!