This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.
His father was really proud of him. So his father asks:
- What part did you get?
He replies:
- I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congradulated him. And then he said:
- Thats good son, maybe next time you'll get a talking role!
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming down.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any direction.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
- Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
- Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
- Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
- Viagra, Home of the whopper
- Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em
- Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
- Viagra, Tastes great, more filling
- Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.
- Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.
And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
- This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
- Oh, it's nothing to worry about - says the caretaker.
- He's just decomposing!
At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a statue."
- That is absurd - Gore stoically stated.
- When elected, the people of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly am.
Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper:
- Honey, you have a pigeon on your head.
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot:
- You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!
- Does your brother keep himself clean?
- Oh, yes. He takes a bath every month whether he needs one or not.
A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street. It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet.
- Is this where Frank lives? - one of the drunks asked.
- Yes, it is - the woman replied.
- Well then - said the drunk, Could you come and pick him out so the rest of us can go home?
Why did you drop the baby?
→ Well, Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby, so I wanted to see if he did.
