Most viewed jokes

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

Your mamma's so fat when she wears a yellow rain coast outside I yell "TAXI!"

So Sven and Ole were out working in the forest one day. They had just gotten jobs as lumber jacks. Well one say they were working along cutting down all the trees that had the big red X on them.

As instructed by the foreman they were to yell 'TIMBER!' whenever the tree was about to fall. Ole was cutting down a tree and yelled 'Timber' and all of a sudden he saw a skidder pulling a tree out of the woods drive right under where the tree was about to fall. There was nothing he could do about it.

The tree fell on the cab killing poor 'ol DooDah. That was his name for his parents gave it to him. He was a young man recentley married. Well Sven and Ole didn't know what to do, so they called the priest and he said to go talk and comfort DooDah's now widow.

Well they walked out of the forest into town and arrived at the widows house. They were dumbfounded and didn't know what to think or say. So quickly as the fact the tree fell.....

Sven rang the doorbell.

A few minutes later the widow DooDah appeared at the door. Sven says that Ole has something to say. He's at a loss of words and all that comes out of his mouth is:

- GUESS WHO DIED IN THE WOODS TODAY ....!

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man:

- Aren't they cute, what are their names?

The man giving the lady an angry look replied:

- I don't know.

The lady asked again:

- Which is a boy and which is a girl?.

The man looking angrier than before replied:

- I don't know.

The woman then started to scold the man:

- What kind of a father are you?.

The man replied:

- I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company.

- Help me, doctor! Little Tommy's swallowed the can-opener!

- Don't panic. He'll be alright.

- But how do I open the friggin beans, the toast's getting cold!

What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
→ Optimistic!

What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
→ Free Parking.

What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
→ Sole use of the elevator.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
→ You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!

How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
→ It's bike is outside.

How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
→ There is a dent in the cross-bar.

How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
→ Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
→ To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
→ A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
→ Bloody great holes all over Australia.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
→ Elephino.

How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
→ Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Why do elephants wear sandals?
→ So that they don't sink in the sand.

Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
→ To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

- Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me! - she told him earnestly.

- Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes - he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She beganto massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked:

- Does that feel better?

The man looked up at her and replied:

- Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!

A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.

They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

- What would you like to do next? - he asked.

- I wanna be weighed, - she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. - One-twelve, - said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

- I wanna be weighed, - she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked:

- What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?

- Wousy! - said the girl.

One day Ms. Nelson, a kindergarden teacher, was giving a lesson on imagination. What she would do was hold an item behind her back, give a few descriptions of the item, and ask the kids to guess what it was. First she said to the children:

- I have something long and yellow behind my back.

The kids suggested a pencil. Ms. Nelson said:

- no, i'm holding a bannana, but I like you all's imagination.

Next she said:

- I have something round and red.

Little Johnny stood up and guessed it was a ball. Ms. Nelson told Johnny it was an apple but she liked Johnny's imagination. Johnny had an idea. He told his teacher:

- I have something in my pocket that's warm and it has a head on it.

Well Ms. Nelson got really upset and told Johnny he was to go to the principal's office for being soo dirty minded.

Little Johnny then said:

- No, Ms. Nelson, it's a quarter, but I LIKE YOU'RE IMAGINATION!!!

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says:

- I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.

The woman then says:

- Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!

To which the dentist replies:

- Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!