Fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks:
- Any luck?
- Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday - he boasts.
- Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am? - asks the stranger.
- Nope.
- Well, meet the new game warden.
- Oh - gulped the fisherman.
- Well, do you know who I am?
- Nope.
- Meet the biggest liar in the state!
- Doctor, Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?
- I never make rash promises!
What is 68 to a blonde?
→ Where she goes down on you and you owe her one.
The president got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby hog under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said:
- Nice pigs, sir.
The president replied:
- These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs. I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea.
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied:
- Nice trade, sir.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
→ Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked.
- Say - he said to the bartender, how tall is a penguin?
- About two and a half feet.
- Thank God! - cried Monahan.
- I thought I ran over a nun!
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says:
- How is this possible?
The guy says:
- Tonight I'm the designated decoy.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split?
→ Cut it in half.
What do you call an ant in space?
→ Cosmonants & Astronants!
A hospital patient, recovering from minor surgery, was being given an alcohol rubdown by two of the hospital's more attractive nurses.
While manipulating the man's body they noted that the word "tiny" was tattooed on the head of his penis.
Some months after the man's discharge, Mary, one of the nurses, told Joan, the other, that she had dated their former patient.
- How could you go out with a man that had 'tiny' tattooed on his love stick? - exclaimed Joan.
- How could I indeed! - said Mary.
- It said 'tiny' when it was soft, but when aroused, it spelled: 'Tiny's Delicatessen & Catering Service. We deliver at all times, twenty-four hours a day!!!'
