Most viewed jokes

Did you hear about the latest Polish invention?

It's a solar-powered flashlight.

Why don't blondes eat pickles?
→ Because they can't get their head in the jar.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a ditch?
→ Phil.

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says:

- Sir, did you call for me?

Bob replies:

- No, what do you mean?

She says:

- You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:

- Sir, did you call for me?

Bob replies:

- No, what do you mean?

The Huge Man:

- You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.

The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist:

- May I help you?

Bob says:

- Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.

Receptionist:

- But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."

Bob replies:

- Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage:

- My brother bard my pickup truck.

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage:

- My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage:

- My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts.

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage:

- I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage:

- If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage:

- If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage:

- Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck.

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage:

- Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage:

- My granpaw retard at age 65.

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage:

- We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage:

- I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country.

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage:

- Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage:

- Is Bubba smart?

- Nah ... haze ignert.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage:

- I ain't never seed New York City ... view?

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage:

- Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

Even more clues you could be a Redneck...

- You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

- You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.

- You think the Bud Bowl is real.

- Your dog goes "oink!"

- You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

- Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.

- You know how to milk a goat.

- Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.

- Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.

- You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.

- Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

- You have a refrigerator just for beer.

- You come back from the dump with more than you took.

- Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.

- You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.

- You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

- You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.

- The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."

- You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

- His brain could be the perfect dielectric.

- His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.

- His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel.

- His buffer is full.

- His clutch is slipping.

- His data bus stops for red lights.

- His deck has no face cards.

- His elevator is stuck between floors.

- His face is on a coin... On the edge.

- His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.

- His freelist is empty.

- His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct.

- His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams

- His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter.

- His head whistles in a cross wind.

- His home planet is flat.

- His IQ is a false positive.

- His jack can't get the car off the ground.

- His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.

- His mind is great at error magnification.

- His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes.

- His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.

- His mind is write-protected/write-only.

- His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.

- His mind wandered and never came back.

- His motto is: Space, the final frontier.

- His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.

- His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine."

- His page was intentionally left blank.

- His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".

After wedding a young couple rented a town house in a large complex.
Concerned about a leak in an upstairs bathroom, young woman called the manager several times, but nothing happened.

Finally her husband reached the manager and, noting the seriousness of the problem, said:

- My wife is afraid the bathtub will fall through the kitchen.

- Oh, no, - the manager quickly replied.

- The bathtub falls through the living room.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough, all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied:

- I've been working with a crew building a house all week.

- My goodness gracious - said the teller - and will you be working on the house again this week too?

- I will if those useless morons at the lumber yard ever bring us the f****** bricks - replied the little girl.

How did the obscene telephone caller get attacked by the Gorilla?
→ He made a mistake and dialled a preyer!