Most viewed jokes

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something.

- Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got - said the man. The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said:

- What's that?

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said:

- My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?

The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious. One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said:

- so this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!

Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay bottom goes to his doctor. The physician prescribes suppositories, but when it comes time to use them the young man is afraid he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom and bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view.

- Oh, stop it - the young man scolds his organ:

- it's only me.

Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.

The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said:

- I think they could be bird tracks.

The second blonde went to look and said:

- No, I think these are deer tracks.

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?
→ With it's sparrowchute!

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Teenage Pregnancy Barbie ...complete with dropout forms. Angry parents and deadbeat boyfriend sold separately

A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day:

- Well, Skip - said the scout - Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it.

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes his chute is broken.
He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells:

- Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!

The guy flying up looks down and yells:

- No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

- What are my choices? - he asked.

- Yes or No - she replied.

Why is the White House called the White House?
→ Sperm ain't purple!

1. You can name everyone you graduated with2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home3. You know what 4-H is4. You ever went to "headlight parties"5. You used to drag "main"6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't8. You ever went cow-tipping9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties10. You have parties at the same guy's house12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events13. The town social events are their children's14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow)15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself20. No place sells gas on Sunday21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog26. You had senior skip day27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track field)