Most viewed jokes

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.

The old man looks at his son and asks:

- Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?

The man curls his eyebrows and asks:

- huh?

The old man gets up and says:

- wait right here.

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:

- Ok, here's how it works...

If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk.

If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler.

If he grabs the bible he's gonna be a preacher.

The baby stares at the items for a moment.

He then reaches out and grabs all three items.

The old man shouts:

- HOT DANG SON - HE'S A DEMOCRAT!

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. - What's going on? - Ed asked one of the crowd.

- We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine - he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine.

- Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

- I can do that! - Ed said confidently.

- No you can't - said Ted.

- I sure as hell can! - said Ed.

- You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster - said Ted.

- Watch this - said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted.

- Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!? - Ted asked.

- Remember three months ago - Ed said...

- When my wife had whooping cough...?

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says:

- That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you.

The first guy responds:

- Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years.

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him:

- What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said:

- A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said:

- Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.

The Lawyer said:

- Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel:

- Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter:

- Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.

What is the fiercest flower in the garden?
→ The tiger lily!

What kind of medicine does Dracula take for a cold?
→ Coffin medicine.

Did you hear the one about the phoney Cupid?
→ He was totally bow-gus!

- Doctor, Doctor my baby is the image of his father

- Never mind just so long as he's healthy!

- Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again.

- How can you be so sure?

- I was 10 years old yesterday.

- Fred: My mum's having a new baby.

- Drew: What's wrong with the old one?