Most viewed jokes

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
→ A snowman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowwoman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make her breasts!

Two Texans were having the Blue Plate Special at their favorite truck stop when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, sitting a few bar stools down from them, turning blue from the Armadillo burger she ate too fast.

The first Texan said to the other:

- Think we oughtta help?

- Yep, reckon so - says the second.

The first Texan gets up, walks over to the lady and asks:

- Can you breathe?

- no - she shakes her head.

- Can you speak? - he then asks.

- no - she shakes her head, again.

With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt, and starts to lick her on the butt.

She is so shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe again, with great relief.

The first Texan turns back to his friend and says with a smile:

- Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

- Cop: Do you know where you were going?

- Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad, cause all the people were leaving!

Whats the difference between a pig and a fox?
→ A 12-pack of beer!

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey... My Love... Darling... Sweetheart... Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked:

- That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.

Morris hung his head and whispered:

- To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.

The doctor says to the first gal:

- What is three times three?

- 297 - was her prompt reply.

- Ummm humm - says the doc.

The doctor says to the second lady:

- It's your turn now. What is three times three?

- Friday - replies the second lady.

- Ummm humm...

Then the doc says to the third:

- Okay, mam, your turn. What's three times three?

- Nine - she says.

- That's wonderful! - says the doc.

- Tell me, how did you get that?

- Simple - she says, beaming...

- I subtracted 297 from Friday!

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day with the following exercises a week before the exam, you will be totally prepared for the test -- and best of all -- you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible -- and then lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO: Go into your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just right. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You are now properly prepared. Final thoughts for women readers:

• MENtal illness
• MENstrual cramps
• MENtal breakdown
• MENopause

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day - and when we have real trouble - it's HISterectomy.

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said:

- I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave.

The cadet replied:

- Not me, Sarge...no sir!

I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.

- Olympic condoms?, she blurts, What makes them so special?

- They're in three colours, he replies, Gold, Silver and Bronze.

- What colour are you going to wear tonight?, she asks cheekily.

- Gold of course, says the man proudly!

The wife responds wryly:

- Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!

How can you tell if a blonde has been using a computer?
→ The joystick is wet and theres white out on the screen!