Most viewed jokes

The Ventriloquist

This guy is just starting off his career as a ventriliquist and he's going around town looking for a job. He finds one at a local nightclub.

So, on his first night, he's going through his normal routine of blonde jokes. All of a sudden, this blonde stands up in the fourth row and says:

- Excuse me, mister, but no physical attribute of mine affects my mental capability!

The guy is flabbergasted. He stands up and tries to apologize, but is cut off when she says:

- You stay out of this, mister. I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that jerk on your knee!

Six Times Six

A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems.

She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says:

- Mister, I'm broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I'm out of a place to live. I'll bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you can't come up with a reply to.

The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead.

So she tells him:

- six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine.

The man scratches his head and says:

- your right, I can't top that. and he pays her the five dollars.

Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3,000 dollars. Deciding thats enough she heads for home.

On her way she meets a bum in an alley and decides to have a little fun. So she tells the bum that she will bet her 3,000 dollars against his bottle of booze that she can tell him a ryhme to wich he cant come up with a reply. The bum figures what the heck and says:

- your on

Six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine.

The bum sits back, thinks for a minute and says:

- six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can piss in yours but you can't piss in mine!!

Crusader's Chastity Belt

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend:

- My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yells:

- Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!

Hunting Accident

Two Virginia boys, Sonny and Rick, went out hunting and split up. Sonny heard some rustling in the bushes and, by mistake, shot his friend.

After trying to remove the bullet, he carried Rick to a doctor.

Two hours later, after the physician had patched up the wounded hunter, Sonny asked:

- Please, Doc. How's my friend?

- Well - answered the M.D.:

- he'd be a lot better off if you hadn't taken out his gut!

Twenty Pound Salmon

- I caught a twenty pound salmon last week.

- Were there any witnesses?

- There sure were. If there hadn't been, it would have been forty pounds.

Calling Himself

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.

- Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!

Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.

He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling:

- Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?

- Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!