Most viewed jokes

- I guess I didn't get my birthday wish.

- How do you know?

- You're still here!

What do you call the place where parrots make films?
→ Pollywood!

Jack and Jill were riding a tandem up a hill, but making heavy weather of it. At the top, Jack said:

- I didn't think we'd make it! - Jill replied:

- Nor did I - what a good thing I kept the brakes on, or we'd have slid all the way back down!

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Tool Time Barbie ...includes tool belt, which she has no idea what to do with

What did the worm want to do when he grew up?
→ He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).

A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant.
The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions.

- Was he tall or was he short?

The businessman replies:

- Both!

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

- Blimey - Ed said.

- I've never seen one like that before!

- Like what? - Ted said.

- All twisted like a pigs tail - Ed said.

- Well what's yours like? - Ted said.

- Well straight like normal - Ed said.

- I thought mine was normal 'til I saw yours - Ted said.

Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants.

- What did you do that for? - Ted said.

- Shaking off the excess drops - Ed said.

- Like normal.

- Shit - Ted said.

- And all these years I've been wringing it!

Do you know why Polish men, when they go to sleep, bring one glass full of water and one cup empty?

It's because they doesn't know if they'll be thirsty or not.

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It's performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

A midget with a heavy lisp goes to a horse farm to purchase a horse. The owner of the farm takes him through to look at all of his horses. The owner is really getting pissed off.

Finally, the last horse and the midget decided that he really wanted this horse. So he ask the owner if he could lift him up so he could look at the horses eyes. The owner did as the midget asked, and the midget said "Oh my, thse got very pretty eyez".

Then the midget ask if he could lift him up so he could see her teeth, Then the midget said "Oh wow, thse got wonderful teeth. Then the midget ask if he could see her twat. The owner, being very pissed, picked him up, and rammed him in and out of the horse's twat.

The midget looked up at the owner and said. "Oh my, yes she does have a very fine twat, but I guess I thoud have asked to see her gallop."