The seven-year old girl told her mom:
- A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.
- Oh, dear - the mother nervously sighed.
- What happened, honey?
- Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.
- I got my wife a VCP for her birthday
- Don't you mean a VCR?
- No, a VCP . . . Very Cheap Present!
A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says:
- That'll be 80p [ATP]!
A biologist had been working on a remote research project in the Amazon jungle. Upon his return to the States, he came down with a terrible illness. After his health had deteriorated, his wife took him to a doctor who specialized in strange jungle diseases. The doctor gave him a complete examination and a series of tests. After receiving the results of the tests, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told the young biologist's wife:
- Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
- Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, and generally do anything he asks.
- Don't discuss your problems with him, as it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
- If you can do this for the next 10 months or so, I think your husband will regain his health completely. Otherwise.......well...
- He'll probably die
On the way home, the husband asked his wife:
- What did the doctor say?
She replied:
- Honey.....he says you're probably going to die.
The school teacher was furious when Brad knocked him down with his new bicycle in the school yard.
- Don't you know how to ride that yet? - he roared.
- Oh yes! - shouted Brad over his shoulder.
- It's the bell I can't work yet.
When does a bed grow longer?
→ At night, because two feet are added to it.
Why does your brother wear a life jacket in bed?
→ Because he sleeps on a waterbed!
This one big lawyer from the city decided to take time away from his busy day and went out to the farm and shot a duck.
The farmer walks out Of his building upon hearing the shot and screams at the city guy:
- HEY You Cant shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!
The city guy says:
- Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!
The farmer and the city boy decide to settle it country style (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over) So the farmer goes first and slams the city boy a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the city boy damn near colllapses from the pain.
The city boy regains his balance And studders:
- Its my turn
The famer looks at him and says:
- aw Hell, keep the damn duck!
If a tree falls in a forest, and lands on a mime... does anyone care?
Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.
His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny:
- How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?
He replies:
- Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.
His father says:
- That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?
Johnny answers:
- Well, so far, we've been lucky...
