Most viewed jokes

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
→ It's not hard.

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says:

- Six shots? What's wrong?

- I found out my older brother is gay - replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.

- What now? - asked the bartender.

- I found out my younger brother is gay - replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.

- Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women? - asked the bartender.

The man replied:

- Yeah, my wife does.

What does FCPA stand for?
→ Finally Caught Pinching the Assets

How many Spice Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
→ They can't sing, they can't dance and they look awful. What makes you think they can change a light bulb?

Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight.

He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit.

When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy.

This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass.

Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patient's ass.

After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded:

- Where's my cookie!? WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Thank you - we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.
7. What am I - flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. I'm just ignoring you.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of calories to burn off.
12. Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people realize I'm right.
16. Your idea seems reasonable... Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Confucious say...

All who fly upside-down have crack up.

He who stand on toilet high on pot.

He who shits brick has square hole.

Fly who sit on toilet seat get pissed off.

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed:

- What the hell did you do that for!?

Tarzan replied:

- Always check for squirrels.

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
→ Kids won't eat broccoli.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
→ I don't know and I don't care.

What's the difference between the capital of Russia and a calf's mother?
→ One is Moscow, the other is cow's ma.

Where did the vegetables go to get drunk?
→ The Salad Bar.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
→ Ugly sheep.

Where does a one-armed man shop?
→ At a second hand store.

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
→ Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!

Which of these things don't belong: A tuna, a lobster, or a Chinese guy run over by a truck?
→ The tuna. The other two are crustaceans.

Who delivers puppies when the Vet isn't available?
→ The mid woof.

Why can't a woman ask her brother for help?
→ Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.

Why did the big moron fall off the roof and the little moron didn't?
→ Because he was a little more on.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To prove to the opossum it could be done.

How do you get down from an elephant?
→ You don't. You get down from a duck.

Why did the elephant paint himself all different colors?
→ So he could hide in the crayon box.

Why do elephants have wrinkles?
→ Because they are so hard to iron.

Why did the elephant put skates on before he went to bed?
→ Because he wanted to get rolling in the morning.

Why can't an elephant ride a tricycle?
→ Because it doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.

Why do elephants wear sunglasses?
→ So no one will recognize them.

Why are elephants such poor dancers?
→ Because they have two left feet.

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
→ Time to get a new fence.

Why can't elephants go swimming at the beach?
→ Because they can't keep their trunks up.