A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
- No thank you - she said politely.
- This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.
- That must be rather difficult - the man replied.
- Oh, I don't mind too much - she said.
- But, it has my husband pretty upset.
A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said:
- I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.
The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked:
- Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?
The player thought for a moment and then answered:
- 4?
- Did you say 4?! - the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.
Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming:
- Come on coach, give him another chance!
- Plan ahead... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
- Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
- Don't listen to critics - do what must be done.
- Build on high ground.
- For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
- Two heads are better than one.
- Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board... but then so were the turtles.
- Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
- Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
- When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!
- Stay below deck during the storm.
- The ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
- If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
- Remember that the woodpeckers inside are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
- Don't miss the boat. Repeat... Do NOT miss the boat...
- No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon.
A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says:
- Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in.
He looks at the teacher, and asks her:
- What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?
- Oh, that's easy - the teacher replied - the Titanic.
So St. Peter let her into heaven.
Next he turned to the petty thief:
- How many people died on that ship? - St. Peter asked.
- Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500. St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.
He simply said to him:
- Name them.
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says:
- You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
- One day - he begins - I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."
So I picked up the frog and it said:
- Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said:
- You now have 3 wishes.
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said:
- I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked:
- What will be your second wish?
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear:
- You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?
I looked at her and replied:
- How about a little head?
The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer.
A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it.
- But you've got no arms... you can't do this job! - says the church leader.
The new applicant shouts back:
- Sure I can... I'll do it with my mouth!
So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.
He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead.
He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him.
- Who is that guy? - one person says.
- I don't know - says another.
- but his face sure rings a bell...
When did the Gorillas start to picket the cookie factory?
→ The day they started to manufacture animal crackers!
What happens if you cross a parrot with a Gorilla?
→ Nobody is sure, but if it opened its mouth to speak, you'd listen!
Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish.
The first blonde said:
- This is such a great spot, we need to mark it so we can come back.
The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat.
The first blonde asked:
- What are you doing?
The second blonde replied:
- Marking the spot.
- Don't be stupid - the first blonde said.
- What if we don't get the same boat next time?
