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Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.

If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.

"CLUES"

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
   When I'm not well, I drip.
   When you blow me, I feel good.
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten.
   Your tongue gets me off.
   People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection.
   Sometimes big balls hang from me.
   I'm called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
   I wasn't maiden for long.
   A big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me.
   You tie me down to get me up.
   I get wet before you do.
6. When I go in I cause pain.
   I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
   I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me.
   You fiddle with me when you're bored.
   The best man always has me first.
8. All day long, it's in and out.
   I discharge loads from my shaft.
   Both men and women go down on me.
9. I go in hard.
   I come out soft.
   You blow me hard.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush.
    It's my job to stuff your box.
    When I come, it's news.
11. I offer Protection.
    I get the finger ten times.
    You use your fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft.
    My tip penetrates.
    I come with a quiver.
13. My business is briefs.
    I am a cunning linguist.
    I plead and plead for it.

Answers:

1. nose
2. peanut butter
3. crane
4. Titanic
5. tent
6. dentist
7. wedding ring
8. elevator
9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy
11. glove
12. arrow
13. attorney

What's a brunette's mating call?
→ Has that blonde gone yet?
→ When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
→ "All the blondes have gone home!"

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
→ None - it should be open when she brings it to you!

There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court.

The judge says, "do you want to live with your dad?" the kid says "no! he beats me!". The judge says, "you want to live with your mom?" "no! she beats me too!".

So the judge says, "who do you want to live with then?"

The kid says, "The Cleveland Browns...they can't beat anybody!"

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following four elements: Religion, Royalty, Sex, and Mystery.

The prize-winning essay read:

- My God - said the Queen. I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?

TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
35. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
36. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
37. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
38. Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!
39. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
40. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
41. Ax Me About Ebonics
42. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
43. Boldly Going Nowhere
44. Cat: The Other White Meat
45. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
46. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
47. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
48. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
49. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
50. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
51. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
52. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
53. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
54. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
55. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
56. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
57. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
58. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
59. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
60. So you're a feminist...
    Isn't that precious.
61. I need someone really bad...
    Are you really bad?
62. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said:

- So, what did you bring?

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".

Then he asked the first:

- What did you bring?

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said:

- I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.

The other two took notice and asked:

- Why are you so smug? What did you bring?

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said:

- I brought these!

The other two were puzzled and asked:

- What on earth can you do with those?

He grinned and pointed to the box and said:

- Well according to the box.. I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating....

These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

What is your date of birth?
→ July fifteenth.

What year?
→ Every year.

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
→ Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

How old is your son-the one living with you.
→ Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

How long has he lived with you?
→ Forty-five years.

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
→ He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

And why did that upset you?
→ My name is Susan.

Did you blow your horn or anything?
→ After the accident?

Before the accident.
→ Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
→ We both do.

Voodoo?
→ We do.

You do?
→ Yes, voodoo.

Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
→ Yes.

Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
→ Yes, sir.

What did she say?
→ What disco am I at?

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Did he kill you?

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

You were there until the time you left, is that true?

How many times have you committed suicide?

She had three children, right?
→ Yes.

How many were boys?
→ None.

Were there any girls?

You say the stairs went down to the basement?
→ Yes.

And these stairs, did they go up also?

Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
→ I went to Europe, Sir.

And you took your new wife?

How was your first marriage terminated?
→ By death.

And by whose death was it terminated?

Can you describe the individual?
→ He was about medium height and had a beard.

Was this a male, or a female?

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
→ No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
→ All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
→ Oral.

Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
→ The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
→ No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

You were not shot in the fracas?
→ No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
→ No.

Did you check for blood pressure?
→ No.

Did you check for breathing?
→ No.

So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
→ No.

How can you be so sure, Doctor?
→ Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

- Man: Is this seat empty?

- Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

- Man: Your place or mine?

- Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

- Man: So, what do you do for a living?

- Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.

- Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

- Woman: Do not enter.

- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

- Woman: Unferrtilized.

- Man: Your body is like a temple.

- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

- Woman: But would you stay there?

- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

- Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

What's a pet's favorite day?
→ Saint Petrick's Day