Most viewed jokes

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh.... I could be eating a slow learner.

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.

- I'm blessing it - the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?

1. Cain wasn't Abel.
2. Moses went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.
3. King David sat on the throne for forty years.
4. Solomon - neither heaven nor Earth could move him.
5. Noah was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

- Are you the owner? - she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

- Actually, no - he replies. I'm just the manager.

- Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him. - she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

- I'm afraid I can't - breathes the manager - clearly aroused, he's in the back doing some work right now. Is there anything I can do?

- Yes there is. I need you to give him a message. - she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

- Tell him - she says - that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room!

- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

- Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:

- Shut up, all of you just shut UP!

- Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

- Sell Girl Scout cookies.

- On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

- Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:

- Got enough air in there?

- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lean over to another passenger and whisper:

- Noogie patrol coming!

- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

- One word: Flatulence!

- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

- Do Tai Chi exercises.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:

- I've got new socks on!

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:

- Oh, not now, motion sickness!

- Give religious tracts to each passenger.

- Meow occassionally.

- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

- Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

- Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

- Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Burp, and then say:

- mmmm...tasty!

- Leave a box between the doors.

- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

- Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask:

- is that your beeper?

- Play the harmonica.

- Shadow box.

- Say "Ding!" at each floor.

- Lean against the button panel.

- Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

- Bring a chair along.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger:

- Wanna see wha in muh mouf?

- Blow spit bubbles.

- Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Announce in a demonic voice:

- I must find a more suitable host body.

- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

- Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Stare at your thumb and say:

- I think it's getting larger.

If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler:

- Bad touch!

- I've hated your looks from the stare they gave me.

- Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

- Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more!

- Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.

- So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word] a long time ago.

- You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.

- The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.

- I hear you were born on April 2 a day too late!

- I hope you never get a tetanus shot maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.

- I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane!

- If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?

- Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?

He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.. You wear briefs, don't you?

He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.

He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said.. Well, you succeeded.

He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said.. I would, but you're never there.

He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in an office:

- We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Sign in a veterinary's waiting room:

- Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Sign on music teachers' door:

- Out Chopin.

Sign at the electic company:

- We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

Sign in beauty shop window:

- Dye now!

Sign on a garbage truck:

- We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Sign at a computer store:

- Out for a quick byte.

Sign on restaurant window:

- Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up.

Sign in a bowling alley:

- Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

What happened when a doctor crossed a parrot with a vampire?
→ It bit his neck, sucked his blood and said, "Who's a pretty boy then?"

Why do the commodes in Marine barracks have the cut-out type seats?
→ So that if the seat falls while they're drinking, it won't smack them in the back of the head