Most viewed jokes

What kind of ear does a train have?
→ an Engineer

Great Thinkers of Our Time?

If you could live forever, would you and why?
→ I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

- Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. - Mariah Carey

- Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. - Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

- I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

- Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

- I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

- Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

- We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

- I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

- China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. - Former French President Charles De Gaulle

- That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. - A congressional candidate in Texas

- When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

- I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. - John Wayne

- Half this game is ninety percent mental. - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

- It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

- Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. - General William Westmoreland

- It's like changing the rules in the middle of the stream. - Rev. Jesse Jackson

- I don't know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me, except maybe everyone else in America. - President William Jefferson Clinton

- What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

- If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet. - Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

- I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

And just last year, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again...

Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery late this morning in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:

- A few clowns short of a circus.

- A few fries short of a happy meal.

- The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

- All foam, no beer.

- The butter has slipped off his pancake.

- The cheese slid off his cracker.

- Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

- Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

- Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

- He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

- As smart as bait.

- Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

- Her sewing machine's out of thread.

- One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.

- Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

- His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

- Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

- Receiver is off the hook.

- Not wired to code.

- Skylight leaks a little.

- Her slinky's kinked.

- Too much yardage between the goal posts.

- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.

- A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.

- During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

- Is so dense, light bends around her.

- If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

- Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.

- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

- She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.

Other funnies...

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

- I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

- A day without sunshine is like, well night.

- On the other hand, you have different fingers.

- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

- Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

- He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

- She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

- Honk if you love peace and quiet.

- Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

- Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

What do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs?
→ Hey... Nice Tits!!!

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
→ Her IQ goes up!

What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
→ The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Why do blondes have legs?
→ So they don't get stuck to the ground.
→ To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
→ So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted:

- Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife!

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender. The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order:

- What'll it be? - the bartender says.

The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want." The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes." The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!" The duck looks at him in the eyes and says:

- I'll have the grapes.

The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!" The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?" "Good, got any grapes?"