Most viewed jokes

What's black, hairy, and writes under water?
→ A ball-point gorilla!

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.

- That's what I like to see - said the priest.

- A man helping his fellow man.

As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other:

- Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Easter Island Barbie ...the famous statue with blonde hair

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.

He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says:

- You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!

The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds:

- You're drunker than I thought! - taking the rest of the alcohol away - That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.

Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.

The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller:

- Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!

The controller answered in a calm voice:

- Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747's collide!

Who was the most famous ant scientist?
→ Albert Antstein!

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:
Why was it that the Kamakazi pilots used helmets?

Redneck's Ode to a Valentine

Kudzu is green.
My Dog's name is Blue.
And I'm so danged lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk,
A-flappin' in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

Yo're as graceful as okry
jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yore as fragrant as Mountain Dew
Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth
For which I am proud.
I hold my head high
When we's in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well I'm in hawg heaven.
I'm plumb out of my wits.

And speakin' of wits,
You got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you are my woman.
I can't ask fer more.

Like a good roll of Duct Tape
Yo're there for yore man
To patch up life's toubles
And stick 'em in the can.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud.
Yet fragile as that singer
Named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a Junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant
On which I oft treat.

Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like my Rattletrap Shad.
(A fishing lure.)

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete.
There ain't nothin' I lack.

Yore complexion's perfection
Like the best vinly sidin',
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
I won't put you on blocks
and let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a cold RC drank.
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day.
They git it at Wal-Mart.
It's romatic that way.

Some men, they git roses
On that special day
From a coller at Food World.

- That's impressive - I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.

- A diamond's forever - They explain, suave and couth.

But for this feller, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You old sweet thang, you.

I got you a gift without taste nor odor.
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.

How can you tell if a man is a WASP?
→ He gets out of the shower to pee.

John went to Dr. Smith because of intense migraine headaches.

The doctor tried many things, but no relief. Finally, after many visits, the doc sat down and said:

- You know, John, why don't you try something unusual. Why don't you do something that I always do when I have a headache like that. I phone my wife and tell her I'm coming home; she waits for me in the bedroom, with her blouse off, and I nestle my head between those two beautiful breasts and soon the headache disappears! You ought to try something like that--I don't know what else to do for you. It wouldn't hurt.

- Well I might try something like that - said John.

A month later, John is back in the clinic, seeing another doctor on another unrelated matter, and he and Dr. Smith pass each other in the hallway.

- John! - says the doc.

- Haven't seen you in a while! How's those headaches?

- Great! They're all gone! Thanks for your advice! - said John.

- Hey, that's fantastic! - said Dr. Smith, walking on down the hallway.

- Say, Doc! - yelled John, down the hall,

- Nice place you got there!