Most viewed jokes

What do you do if you see a blue banana?
→ Try to cheer it up.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear.
The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

- Sir - the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

- Did you see this terrible accident happen?

- Yep. Sure did. - The man muttered unconcernedly.

- Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?

- Yep.

- Were there any survivors? - the agent gasped.

- Nope. They's all kilt straight out. - The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor.

- I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.

- The President of the United States is dead? - The agent gulped in disbelief.

- Well - the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work.

- He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said:

- Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?

- Why no, Ma'am - said the pilot.

- what is it?

The little old lady said:

- Did we land or were we shot down?

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says:

- I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy.

- We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?

The owner replies:

- I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant.

Three men are golfing. There is Jesus, Moses and an old man.

They've been pretty evenly matched until they arrive at the 11 hole to find a huge water trap. Moses tees up, and smacks that ball right out into the middle of the trap. Without a second thought he parts the water, hits the ball and gets it on the fairway, one stroke from the green. Then Jesus tees up. He smacks his ball right into the middle of the water trap. Without a second thought he walks out on the water, and hits that ball right onto the green. Finally the old man tees up. He hits the ball into the water trap. A fish swims up from the bottom of the trap with the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, picks up the fish and carries it over the hole, where the fish drops the ball and it plops into the hole. Jesus looks at the old man as Moses pencils another 1 in the old man's card.

- Alright Dad, stop showing off!

What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
→ They're all on the same team.

How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
→ She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.

Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
→ Because they might let down their trunks.

Why do elephants have four feet?
→ Because lady elephants have big twats.

What do elephants use for tampons?
→ Sheep.

What do elephants use for condoms?
→ Snakes.

What do elephants use for vibrators?
→ Epileptic pigmies.

Why do elephants have long trunks?
→ 'Cos sheep don't have strings.

How do you know when an elephant has its period?
→ There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

What is an elephant's sex organ?
→ His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!

What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
→ A pachydermatologist.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
→ Take away his credit card.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
→ A two-ton pickup.

What did the female elephant say during sex?
→

- Can I be on top this time?

What did the elephant say to the nude man?
→ Cute, but can you breathe through it?

This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need. A special circuit in the machine called a "critical detector" senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine.

The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence will only aggravate the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. (They belong to the same union.) Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
→ Tell them a joke on Friday night!

We have a tree in our yard, terribly bothered by blight.

We sought professional help and had a tree surgeon come to look at it. In his assessment, he noted that the blight was bad, but he was even more concerned with the deep cracks in the bark.

"In fact," he said, "This tree's bark is worse than its blight!"

What's long, black, and never ends?
→ The unemployment line!

What can't you give a black person?
→ A black eye, fat lip, or a job!