Most viewed jokes

Rabbi's Advice

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it:

- I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?

- Funny you should come to me - said the Rabbi.

- Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian.

- What did you do? - asked the lawyer.

- I turned to God for the answer - replied the rabbi.

- And what did he say?

He said:

- Funny you should come to me...

Old Is When

"Old" is when...

- your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

- your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

- a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

- you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

- going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

- you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

- when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

- "getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

- "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

- an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.

What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

Stupid Insults Part 4

- All booster, no payload.

- All crown, no filling.

- All foam, no beer.

- All hammer, no nail.

- All hat and no cattle.

- All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.

- All his eggs in the same basket.

- All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.

- All icing, no cake.

- All lime and salt, no tequila.

- All missile, no warhead.

- All of his bytes are odd.

- All shot, no powder.

- All the lights don't shine in her marquee.

- All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty / caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon.

- All wax and no wick.

- Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.

- Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.

- Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed.

- Always needs to have jokes explained.

- Always sharpening his sleeping skills.

- An 8080 in a 68000 environment.

- An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)

- An Apple //e on UUCP.

- An early example of the Peter Principle.

- An ego like a black hole.

- An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut sized brains.

- An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

- An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.

- An inch short and a stroke early.

Dumb Criminals

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black n Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people:

- There are too many business grads out there - he said.

- If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:

- Give me all your money or I'll shoot.

- That's not what I said! - the man shouted.

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door.

- He was seen hopping and jumping around - said police spokesman Mike Carey, with an explosion taking place inside his pants. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone:

- My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

- Is this her first child? - the doctor asked.

- No, you idiot! - the man shouted.

- This is her husband!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.