A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
A jew, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Is this a joke?"
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorse the patient.
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walked into a room to meet with his accountant.
The Godfather asked the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant didn't answer.
The Godfather asked again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupted, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather said, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."
The attorney, using sign language, asked the accountant where the three million dollars was.
The accountant signed back, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to the temple of the accountant, cocked the trigger and said, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"
The attorney signed to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signed back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather asked, "Well, what did he say?"
The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, "He said that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres has a new line of sneakers "coming out"?
→ They're called "dykeees". They have a longer than normal tongue and you can get them off with one finger!
Men are like toilets -- either they're taken, or full of crap!
A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie said, 'I will grant you three wishes.' The man's first wish was to get out of the pit. POOF He was instantly transported out. He then wished for all the gold in the world. POOF The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the world, all the gold bars, all the gold pebbles, etc. The man could not think of anything for his third wish, so he went out for a ride in his Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few minutes, his favorite song came on. He decided to sing along: 'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner...'
What's the definition of a minor second?
→ Two flutes playing a unison.
Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
→ To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.
What is perfect pitch on a flute?
→ When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.
An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll forget that so you'd better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then went fuming into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."
3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest. The next day the women all got together. The first woman said, "I drove my car into a ditch."
The second woman said, "I blew chunks."
The third woman said, "I burned down my house." After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, "I guess I won," and the second woman said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."
