A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the hell is that all about?"
The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."
The doctor because he says "Take your clothes off."
The dentist because he says "Open wide."
The hair dresser because he says "Do you want them teased or blown?"
The milkman because he says "Do you want it in the back or in the front?"
The interior decorator because he says "Once it's in you'll love it."
The banker because he says "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from Wisconsin were seated side by side on a plane.
The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly and all said, "So, where y'all from?" The Wisconsin girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Oklahoma sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
- Boy, was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop!
- When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.
- How do you do that?
- It's easy! I turn off the light!
He has a one-track mind, and the traffic on it is very light.
He paid $500 to have his family tree searched, and found out he was the sap.
There are times he has something on his mind -- he wears a hat occasionally.
His neck reminds you of a typewriter -- Underwood.
The only time he thinks is in a poolroom, where he can rack his brains.
If you want the real dope about anything, go to the real dope -- HIM!
He bought a topless bathing suit for his half-sister.
A traffic judge asked him, "Have you ever been up before me?" And he said, "I don't know, what time do you get up?"
Once he saw an old woman fall down, but didn't help her up. His mother warned him against having anything to do with fallen women.
He's never bought Christmas seals -- says he wouldn't know what to feed them.
He carried a double-barreled gun to the ball game, because he heard the Lions were playing the Tigers.
He called it quits when his fourth child was born, because he read that every fifth child born is Chinese!
He won't let his daughter go to college because he heard that the students have to show their professors their thesis.
The first time he heard about the Boston Tea Party, he asked who the caterer was.
When a beggar asked him, "Do you have a quarter for a sandwich?" he said "Let's see the sandwich."
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
GROSS PAY: $1222.02
TAKE HOME PAY: $0000.02
A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed: "You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a snowballs chance in hell of meeting god?"
"Fuck God... I'm after the baby Jesus."
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
