Situations — most commented jokes

Top reasons why it's great to be Canadian:

• It beats being an American.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
• You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
• Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
• A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
• Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
• Own-an-eskimo scheme.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

• Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
• If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
• Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
• Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
• Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
• Practice making fax and modem noises.
• Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
• Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
• Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
• Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
• Staple papers in the middle of the page.
• Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
• Honk and wave to strangers.
• Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
• TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.. type only in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either
• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
• Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
• As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
• Ask people what gender they are.
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Sing along at the opera.

• Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
• Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
• Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
• Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
• Sell Girl Scout cookies.
• On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
• Shave.
• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
• Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
• Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
• When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
• Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
• Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
• One word: Flatulence!
• On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
• Do Tai Chi exercises.
• Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
• When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
• Give religious tracts to each passenger.
• Meow occassionally.
• Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
• Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
• Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
• Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
• Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
• Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
• Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
• Leave a box between the doors.
• Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
• Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
• Start a sing-along.
• When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
• Play the harmonica.
• Shadow box.
• Say "Ding!" at each floor.
• Lean against the button panel.
• Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
• Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
• Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
• Bring a chair along.
• Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
• Blow spit bubbles.
• Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
• Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
• Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
• Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
• Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
• Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
• If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

Top reasons why it's great to be French:

• Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
• You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
• If there's a war you can surrender really early
• You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
• You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
• You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
• Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
• People think you're a great lover even when you're not

10 rejected Saturday morning cartoons:

• "Billy, the Homicidal Smurf."
• "Scooby and Shaggy Go To The Retirement Home."
• "Archie, the Abcessed Tooth."
• "Yosemite Sam... UNCENSORED!"
• "The Golden Girls meet The Power Rangers."
• "Da Boys in Mister Rogers Neighborhood."
• "The Land of The Lost... The Barney Years."
• "COPS" in full color animation!

The top 10 least desirable fortunes in a fortune cookie:

• We know where you live.
• You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
• Everyone's meal today is on you!
• The "special sauce" came from the floor!
• Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
• Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
• A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
• Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.
• See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
• MSG? NO!!
• Ebola Virus....maybe

Top things you should not say to a judge:

• "I got your community service right here pal!"
• "Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."
• "You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"
• "You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."
• "No you robe wearing geek."
• "I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?"
• "Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"

The top 10 things overheard in a tax preparer's office prior to the tax filing deadline:

• No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.
• I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!
• How cute... a tax form done in crayon.
• No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.
• Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.
• No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.
• Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had cannot count as a business expense.
• I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument.
• I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you're not receptive to paying your taxes this year.
• Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll screw you later!!

The top bad excuses for speeding:

• "This is my tryout for Nascar."
• "I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."
• "That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!"
• "I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."
• "Cause those Gorditas rule."
• "Uh-Oh.. Wapner's on... I'm an excellent driver."
• "Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."
• "Umm.. I'm drunk?"
• "Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette "Uninvited" song!"

10 signs your broker was affected by the Stock Market Crash:

• "He can't come to the phone right now..he's on the ledge."
• "He won't be in today...he was made an offer and he refused."
• "He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift."
• "I'm sorry, sir..she's not in...she's out digging up your can as we speak."
• There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."
• "He's on another line with his Mommy..would you care to hold?"
• "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange."
• "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."
• "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."
• "Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."