Situations — most commented jokes

• You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
• You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
• You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
• You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
• The homeless are invisible.
• The subway makes sense.
• The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
• You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
• You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
• You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
• Your door has more than three locks.
• You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.
• Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
• The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
• You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
• You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard. You complain about having to mow it.
• You are a skee-ball juggernaut.
• You consider Westchester "Upstate".
• You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.

Things you'll never hear a dad say:

• Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
• You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
• Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.
• What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
• Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party.
• Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
• No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
• Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
• Father's Day? Aaahh-don't worry about that-it's no big deal.

As Hostage Taker:

• Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
• Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
• Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.
• Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
• Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
• Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
• Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
• Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
• Forget your gun at home.
• Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".
• Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.

As Negotiator:

• Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
• When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"
• When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.
• Show up stoned and do anything at all.
• When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"
• Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
• Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.
• Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.
• Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.
• When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."

You're drinking too much coffee when...

• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
• You speed walk in your sleep.
• You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
• You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
• You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
• Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
• You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• Cocaine is a downer.
• All your kids are named "Joe."
• You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
• Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet n Low."
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You buy milk by the barrel.
• You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
• You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
• You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
• People can test their batteries in your ears.
• Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• When someone says, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
• You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
• You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
• You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
• You get drunk just so you can sober up.
• You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
• Your Thermos is on wheels.
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You have a conniption over spilled milk.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
• You don't tan, you roast.
• You don't get mad, you get steamed.
• Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
• Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
• You can't even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
• You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
• You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Signs you took Y2K too serious:

• You didn't find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.
• You don't have to go to the grocery store for a year.
• You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!
• You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.
• You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles.
• You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one and five dollar bills.
• You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.
• You were depressed because nothing happened !!

You might be a bad customer if:

• You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.
• You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.
• You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.
• You return the coffee because it's too hot.
• You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).
• You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.
• You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven't sold one in over 20 years.
• If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20.
• You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.
• You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.
• You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.
• While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?"
• You dare ask for a discount at a resturaunt because your kids didn't like thier food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor.
• You chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.
• You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)

• "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
• "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
• "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
• "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
• "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
• "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
• "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
• "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
• "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
• "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
• "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
• "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
• "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"
• "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
• "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
• "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
• "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
• "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
• "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
• "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
• "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)

Signs you hired the wrong kid to mow your lawn:

• He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
• On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
• Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
• Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
• You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
• He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
• Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
• Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
• Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
• No toes.

• ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
• ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
• ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
• ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
• ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
• ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
• ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
• ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
• ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
• ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
• ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
• ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
• ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
• ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
• ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
• ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

You are no longer "cool" when:

• You find yourself listening to talk radio.
• You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
• The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
• You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
• You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
• You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
• You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
• You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
• When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
• When jogging is something you do to your memory.
• Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
• All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
• You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
• You actually ASK for your father's advice.
• You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
• When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.