Situations — most commented jokes

Top things you should not say at a funeral:

• Geez, what died in here?
• He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
• Nice service...where's the keg?
• When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
• Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.
• Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
• You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
• Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.

The Top 10 signs you're flying on a bad airline:

• The engine's being held on by duct tape.
• You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
• In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.
• Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.
• Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
• As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program".
• The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
• The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!
• Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.
• You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet!!!

• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
• Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
• You may not drive barefooted.
• It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
• It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
• Masks may not be worn in public.
• Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
• Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
• Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
• Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
• Incestous marriages are legal.
• It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
• You must have windshield wipers on your car.
• You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
• Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
• Jasper: It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
• Lee County: It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
• Mobile: It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels. It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
• Montgomery: It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
• Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
• You may not drive barefooted.
• It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
• It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
• Masks may not be worn in public.
• Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
• Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
• Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
• Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
• Incestous marriages are legal.
• It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
• You must have windshield wipers on your car.
• You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
• You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
• It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
• It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
• It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
• It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
• It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

• In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
• While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.
• It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
• It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist. -Sec. 44.62.270. State policy.
• Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.

• You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
• Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.
• There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
• When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
• Hunting camels is prohibited.
• Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
• It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
• Cars may not be driven in reverse.
• Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
• If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.
• No more than six girls may live in any house.
• It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.
• A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.
• An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.
• No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.
• Women may not wear pants.
• It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

• A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
• A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.
• Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.
• The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
• Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw".
• A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.
• Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.
• It is illegal to kill "any living creature".
• It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.
• No person shall sound the horn on a vechicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54
• Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.

• Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
• Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
• Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
• Bathhouses are against the law.
• In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
• No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
• Women may not drive in a house coat.
• It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
• Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
• You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
• Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
• You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
• It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.
• Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
• Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
• Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
• It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995)
• It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
• You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
• It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".
• It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
• It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
• Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.
• Toads may not be licked.
• You may not hunt moths under a street light.
• It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
• You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
• Zoot suits are prohibited.
• It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
• It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
• Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
• Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
• It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
• It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
• Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
• Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
• One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
• The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
• It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
• Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
• Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
• It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
• It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
• It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
• You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
• Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

• Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
• It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
• No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed)
• It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
• Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
• It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
• It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
• You may not drive a black car on Sundays.
• It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.
• It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.
• The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.
• It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.
• It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
• It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.
• Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.

• You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
• In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
• It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.
• You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays.
• The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. (Repealed)
• It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway.
• No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.
• It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
• Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display.
• You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.
• You may not educate dogs.
• It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.
• It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.
• Silly string is banned.
• It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.