Religion — most commented jokes

A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to him:

- Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?

The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests.

- I'm a doctor - he says.

- I'm a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line.

The others say:

- You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back of the line and wait your turn!

A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the line and no one utters a peep.

- Hey - he says to the guy in front of him.

- Who does that guy think he is?

- Oh, that's God - says the guy.

- He likes to play doctor!

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends:

- My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'

The second Catholic woman chirps:

- My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, 'Your Grace.'

The third Catholic mother says:

- My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle:

- Well?

So she replies:

- My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God!'

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman:

- I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.

- Do you think it will work? - she asks the doctor.

- It's worth a try - he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says:

- Father, you're not going to believe this.

- What? - says the priest.

- What happened?

- You gave birth to a child.

- But that's impossible!

- I just did the operation - insists the doctor.

- It's a miracle! Here's your baby.

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says:

- Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father.

The son says:

- What do you mean, you're not my father?

The priest replies:

- I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father.

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.

As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet.

- What's this? - she asked.

- Taste it - he replied.

- If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!

A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

- Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?

- My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be.

- Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow.

- The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed!

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.

He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine:

- I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!

The other guy looks at him and declares:

- I did not!

Did you here about the pharmaceutical company?

They developed a new drug that, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent and become a nun.

The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

A woman was getting married. She entered the church wearing a black wedding gown that surprised everyone.

The pastor was a bit annoyed and asked her:

- Why are you dressed up in black?

The woman replied:

- Well, that's because I'm not a virgin.

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

- Pull down your pants - whispered the pastor.

- Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind - the groom responded.

- I think I want the traditional service.

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

- William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?

- Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time.

- Wow, fifty dollars! - exclaimed the bride.

- the monks only used to give us an apple...