Religion — most commented jokes

- Baby Jim: Mommy, does God use our toilet?

- Mom: No Jim, what made you ask?

- Baby: Every morning, Daddy goes up to the toilet and says:

- Oh God! Are you still in there!

Four nuns are driving to market and get hit by a drunk driver and all four nuns die. They get in line to go through pearly gates and wait for St. Peter to admit them.

St. Peter goes to the nuns and says:

- I realize that you are sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if you have anything to report to me that might be a sin.

The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went to St. Peter:

- I once touched a man's penis with this finger.

St. Peter thought for a while and said:

- I'm sure it was in the line of duty; Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around.

She did as she was instructed and "PING" she was in.

The second nun went to St. Peter and said:

- I once touched a man's genitals with my entire right hand.

Again St. Peter thought for a while and said:

- I'm sure it was within your duties; Swirl your hand in that holy water and go in.

The second nun did as she was instructed and "ping" she was in.

All of a sudden the 4th nun jumped in front of the 3rd nun. St. Peter was really confused by this:

- How come you cut in front of Sister?

The 4th nun replied:

- I just wanted to know if I could gargle with that holy water before she soaked her ass in it!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father:

- What is this, Father? The father [never having seen an elevator] responded:

- Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father yells to his son:

- Hurry boy - go get your mother!

What is a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
→ Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

A man was praying to God. He said:

- God!?

God responded:

- Yes?

And the guy said:

- Can I ask a question?

- Go right ahead, - God said.

- God, what is a million years to you? - God said.

- A million years to me is only a second.

- Hmmm, - the man wondered.

Then he asked:

- God, what is a million dollars worth to you? - God said.

- A million dollars to me is as a penny.

So the man said:

- God, can I have a penny?

And God cheerfully said:

- Sure!!.....just a second.

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said:

- I'll take him and him and him!

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

- Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?

Father Patrick replied:

- I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal.

Muldoon said:

- I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?

Father Patrick:

- $500? - Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!

Rules To Live By...

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun, who was waiting by his bed.

- Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine - said the nun, gently patting his hand.

- We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?

- No, I'm not - the man whispered hoarsely.

- Then can you pay in cash? - persisted the nun.

- I'm afraid I cannot, Sister.

- Well, do you have any close relatives? - the nun questioned sternly.

- Just my sister in New Mexico - he volunteered.

- But she's a humble spinster nun.

- Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God!

- Really? - said Mr. Smith.

- In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!

Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God!