Religion — most commented jokes

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.

When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said:

- We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?

- Are you kidding? - said St. Peter.

- It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

- Look at their reserve, their calm - muses the Brit.

- They must be British.

- Nonsense - the Frenchman disagrees.

- They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.

- No clothes, no shelter - the Russian points out.

- they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian!

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In". He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.

He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In". As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the "Come In".

He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. He said:

- For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?!

The parrot laughed and said:

- Sic him!

Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked "Women" and the other marked "Men".

He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more gates.

The right-hand gate had a sign that read "Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses"; the other gate read "Men Who Were Boss And Dominated Their Spouses". The first gate had an endless line of guys waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate. Albert was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked:

- Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?

The smallish fellow replied:

- I haven't a clue. My wife told me to stand here.

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children:

- Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa.

The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife

16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - Deuteronomy 21
17. Find a prostitute and marry her. - Hosea (Hosea 1)
18. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. - Moses (Exodus 2)
19. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4)
20. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21)
21. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. - Adam (Genesis 2)
22. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29)
23. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (1 Samuel somewhere)
24. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative off course.) - Cain (Genesis 4)
25. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Atrahasis (Esther 1)
26. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14)
27. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). - David (2 Samuel 9)
28. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). - Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
29. Don't be so picky. Make for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11)
30. A wife?... NOT!!! - Paul (I Corinthians 7)
31. Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people. - Jesus (Revelation 15?)

On his tour to the U.S., the Pope visited a couple who had been childless for six years, try as they might to have a baby. The Pope promised to light a candle for them at the Vatican.

A decade later, the Pope returned and dropped in on the couple again and found nine children romping around the house.

Congratulating the wife on her fruitfulness, the Pope looked around and asked:

- But where is your husband?

- Jim? - the haggard woman said.

- Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle!

A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached to one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing car right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind the barn, and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk. While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place.

- Grandma, what happened to the kitten?

- It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead.

- Where does a kitten go when it dies?

- God takes the kitten to heaven.

The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said:

- But, Grandma, what does God want with a dead kitten?

A job negotiator and a feminist were in dispute... The feminist was arguing over the different pay scales that her women were receiving...

- Fem: Okay, why are women paid less than men for doing the same job that a man does.

- Neg: It says in the Bible that women are worth less than men.

- Fem: Where does it say that? I don't think so.

- Neg: Well, you do agree that woman was made from a rib, correct?

- Fem: Yeah, so?

- Neg: Well, there you have it. A rib is a cheaper cut of meat!

God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis. The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things.

The penis was also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was that God had only given Adam enough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of them at a time.

Men are naturally competitive. Even in the Garden of Eden, Adam was afraid Eve would like the snake's fruit better than his.