Men Jokes — most commented jokes

1. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
2. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
3. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
4. Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."
5. What sign were you born under? No Parking.
6. After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
8. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at!?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
9. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
11. Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time." Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

Women's English:

• Yes = No
• No = Yes
• Maybe = No
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
• We need = I want
• It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
• We need to talk = I need to complain.
• Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
• I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
• You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
• You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
• Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
• This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
• Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
• How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
• I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
• Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
• Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
• Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
• I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
• The same old thing = Nothing
• Nothing = Everything
• Everything = My PMS is acting up.
• Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

Men's English:

• "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
• "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
• "I'm tired" = I'm tired.
• "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
• "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
• "What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
• "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
• "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
• "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
• "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
• "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
• "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
• "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
• (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
• "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.

• You know a man's lying if his lips are moving.
• Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
• So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
• Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
• Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be let out alone.
• Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.
• Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway
• A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
• Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
• Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
• Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
• If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital.
• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
• Boring men are like snot - they get up your nose.
• Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.
• If he asks you if your faking it tell him no, your just practicing.
• Sadly, all men are created equal.
• There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men - strong, caring,loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

• Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.
• You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.
• Coffee never runs out.
• No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
• You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
• When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
• Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
• Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.
• White men can take black coffee home to their parents.
• Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it.
• You can always heat up coffee.
• Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.
• If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
• Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly.

"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed!"

Reasons why it's great to be a man:

• Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.
• Your orgasms are real. Always.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be president.
• You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You don't give a crap if no one notices your new haircut.
• The world is your urinal.
• Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
• You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
• Same work ... more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
• Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
• If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
• People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
• Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
• One mood, ALL the damn time.
• Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat!
• You know stuff about tanks.
• You can open all your own jars.
• Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
• You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
• You can leave the motel bed unmade.
• You can kill your own food.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
• If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
• You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
• No maxi-pads.
• You don't mooch off other's desserts.
• You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
• You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You don't have to shave below your neck.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon?"

"Sure it does," he said. "How else can I can see the numbers!"

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.
12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.
19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.
20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle.

Wouldn't it be great if men were made by Kodak!

• They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used.
• You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.
• They last longer and come with a warranty.
• You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.
• They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.
• They come in fashion colors.
• You can keep them in maximum zoom.
• They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.
• The parts that count are portable.
• They don't mind over-exposure.
• They respond to the slightest touch.
• The one you want is available at a KMART near you