Men Jokes — most commented jokes

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET10. Does this come in children's sizes?9. No thanks, just sniffing8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind7. Mom will love this6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here4. Will you model this for me?3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!

And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is:1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!

Why are married women heavier than single women?
→ Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
→ Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road?
→ He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
→ They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
→ They won't stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
→ They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
→ The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
→ So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
→ They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
→ A Widow.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
→ His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
→ Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating Adam?
→ I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
→ "Practice makes perfect."

How are men and parking spots alike?
→ Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
→ They are married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

• LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
• DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
• BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
• EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
• EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
• FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
• INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
• INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
• IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
• LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
• NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
• FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
• SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
• NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

This chain letter was started by a gentleman in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women!

One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.

REMEMBER-this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model! An unmarried Turkish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a well-educated, sweet coed who could both work and not be too tired for fun, and a very attractive and highly successful plastic surgeon who just happened to be a nymphomaniac!

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!

One man broke the chain and got his wife back!!!

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked. Bring food/beer.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes

Life stinks - I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $3.99 a minute.

How are women and rocks alike?
→ You skip the flat ones.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
→ It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy!

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
→ Humpme Dumpme.

What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex?
→ "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Top 10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
11. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
12. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
13. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
14. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
15. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
16. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
17. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
18. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis."

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!

Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother....

You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her....

She has a thicker moustache than you....

When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions....

You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole....

Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system....

You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin....

At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic....

She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut....

You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno....

At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill....

She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet satan....

She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her....

She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you....

She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you.

I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.

Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.

Can I borrow that quarter, 'cause my mom told me to call home when I fell in love

What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me.

Are your legs tired? 'cause you been running through my mind ALL day long.

Are you lost? 'cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.

Is your father a thief? 'cause he stole the sparkle from the stars, and put it in your eyes. (yo, watch out though, and be prepared with a snappy answer just in case she says 'yes')

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?

What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.

If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil tonight?

Can I see that label? I just wanted to know if you were made in heaven.

Do you like raisins? How about a date?

So... How am I doin'?

I miss my teddy bear...

Would you sleep with me?

You look great and all, but do you know what'd really look good on you? Me.

Could I get some directions? ("To where?") To your heart.

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes.

Can I flirt with you?

Hi, my name's [name], but you can call me "lover".

(another quarter line) Could I borrow a quarter? 'cause I just want to call your mother and thank her.

(lick your finger and then touch her shirt) Here, let me help you out of those wet clothes.

What do you like for breakfast?

Say, did we go to different schools together?

Hi, my name is [name], how do you like me so far?

(At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?

Woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"

You look like the type of girl that's heard every line in the book. So what's one more?

Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

I'm new in town...could you give me directions to your apartment?

I think you're the most beautiful girl I've seen...on a Wednesday

I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?

I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.

Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

Are you religious? Good, cause I'm here to answer your prayers.

Did it hurt? (Did what hurt) When you fell out of heaven.

Inheriting 80 million doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

If your parents hadn't met, I'd be a very unhappy man right now.

Do you drink milk? It sure did your body good.

1. I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
2. You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look that good.
3. We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why don't you just come along peacefully?
4. I envy your lipstick.
5. I just want to be loved - is that so wrong?
6. You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi - I've just gotta have it.
7. Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what I'm here after.
8. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
9. Baby, you look so sweet you're giving me a cavity.
10. Is it me or am I gorgeous?
11. I'd even marry your dog just to be related to you.