Women Jokes — best jokes

Girl Lingo:

• The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.
• The Rat Race: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.
• The Eyeglass Prescription: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.
• The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.
• The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.
• The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?
• The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.
• The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
• Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.
• The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.
• The Unintended Result: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; 1a) Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love; 2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.
• The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
• The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.
• Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children.
• The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single.
• The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.

Mirrors are female because none of their reflections are really their own.

Stamps are female because men like to lick them, stick them, and then send them away.

Windows are male because they're a pane, and because you can see through them.

Shit is male because the older it gets, the easier it is to pick up.

Why don't polish women use vibrators?
→ It chips their teeth.

Santa's Reindeer are girls and here's the proof:

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . . had to be a girl!

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

- Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

- Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

- Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

- Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

- Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

- Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

- Man 2: Haircut?

- Man 1: Yeah.

Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

• A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
• A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
• When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
• A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
• A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
• A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.....
→ without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
→ We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.....
→ you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
→ I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
→ I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
→ My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
→ I don't like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
→ You never listen.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
→ I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
→ I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
→ Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
→ We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
→ Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ So they can stand closer to the sink

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

One golfer tells another:

- Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!

- GREAT trade!

What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
→ 1) No mind. 2) No business.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"

How to be politically correct with women

• She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
• She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
• She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
• She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
• She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
• She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
• She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
• She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
• She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
• She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
• She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
• She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
• She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
• She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
• She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
• She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
• She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
• She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
• She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
• She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

New Summer Seminars for Women

• The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There
• Life Beyond Shoes
• Money, The Non-Renewable Resource
• How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour
• Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends
• How To Be A Victim Of Marketing
• How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man
• Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World
• How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag
• Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits
• Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection
• Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks
• Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse
• Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking
• How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother
• Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart
• Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper
• How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking
• Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions
• Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection
• When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You
• How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel
• Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way