Women Jokes — best jokes

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Three. One to screw in the lightbulb, and another to suck my dick, as I beat my wife!

What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
→ Made her chain too long.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman. She has a parrot on her shoulder.

- Woman: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder... I'll sleep with you.

- Guy: An alligator?

- Woman: Close enough

- She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?

- He: Your sense of humor.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Worse: She's a lawyer

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a crossdresser
Worse: He looks better than you

Guess what? You're pregnant!

The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They were down to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one could get the position. As a final test each recruit was led down a hallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the first man, "We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife". A look of shock comes over the man's face. He says, "I can't kill my wife. I just can't do it. I guess I'm not the man for this job". "No, you're not", agree the agents, "You're free to go".

They bring the second man to the door and say, "We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife". The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The room is silent and after five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming down his face. "I tried," he says, "but I just couldn't do it. I can't kill my wife". The agents let him leave.

They bring the woman to the door and say, "We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your husband". She takes the gun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13 rounds emptying the gun. The door closes behind her and for the next five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting. The door finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman. She looks at both agents, wipes her brow and says, "Whew! You guys didn't tell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him to death with the chair!"