Women Jokes — best jokes

What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
→ Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Men are from earth.

Women are from earth.

Deal with it.

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.

What is the difference between men and women?
→ A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Dear [Name],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply...

• Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
• Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
• The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
• Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
• You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
• Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
• Your legs are skinnier than mine.
• You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
• You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
• You have a hairy back.
• I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
• The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
• The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
• You still live with your parents.
• Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
• Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
• Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
• Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
• Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
• I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
→ When her favorite sexual position is "next door"

If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?

Conversation over dinner:

- Woman: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

- Man: Definitely not!

- Woman: Why not - don't you like being married?

- Man: Of course I do.

- Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

- Man: Okay, I'd get married again.

- Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

- Man: (makes audible groan)

- Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

- Man: Where else would we sleep?

- Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

- Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

- Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

- Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

- Woman: - - - silence - - -

- Man: Oh Shit.

"I was in a very generous mood today," a woman says to her friend.

"I gave a poor beggar $25."

"Thats a lot of money to give away," says her friend. "What did your husband say?"

"He said, 'Thank you'."