Women Jokes — best jokes

Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?

It comes with a 16 inch applicator.

The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said, "Just how much is that watch?"

"It's $2000, ma'am."

"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?"

"Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?"

"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth." "Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."

This girl I know told me she was so horny her own tongue's starting to feel good in her mouth.

Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea.

"I call my man 'Eight,'" said the first woman, "Because he's got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day."

The second woman said in response, "I call my man 'Ten' because his dong is ten inches long, and we do it ten times every night."

The first woman then asked the third woman, "What do you call your man?"

She answered, "'Creme de Menthe.'"

"Why? Isn't that a liqueur?" the other two wanted to know.

"Yep, it is," said the woman, continuing, "yeah, you betcha!"

This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side:

- I got 12 inches over here you would love to have.

- Well, spit it out it isn't yours.

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.

Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with. Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
→ Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
→ Money.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After five years your job will still suck.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
→ It's not hard.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
→ The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
→ She is the one who can eat the last donut!

What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
→ One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!

Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
→ Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.