Travel Jokes — best jokes

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.

"Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

"Okay, boss."

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

A man is driving down the road for a long period of time.

During his travel, he sees a priest with a gas can hitch hiking, so he gladly picks him up he says, "Normally father, i dont pick up hitch hikers. You seem like a man of dignity so i thought id make an exception.

In fact i hate hitch hikers. The priest nods his head and they drive on

Along the way, The driver spots another man hitch hiking. "that dirty son of %$#%#% ill fix him". He then swirves the car and tries to make the hit and run like an accident. Dang! i missed. The priests yells, "Don't worry i got him with the gas can!"

A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road.

As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, "Pig!"

The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, "Moron!"

They continue on their way and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker.

It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the hitch-hiker wakes up, "what the hell was that?". The truck driver replies, "some kinda animal, go back to sleep."

Further the same thing again, bang, "What the hell was that?", "some kinda animal again."

Further into the night, bang, bang, bang, "What the hell was that?", "Some bastard!". "How terrible", says the hitch-hiker, "but there were 3 bangs"

The truck driver replies, "Yeah, well I had to go through two fences to get the bastard. . ."

A quadruple amputee is waiting at the bus stop.

The bus pulls up.

Driver says "alright John, how you getting on today?"

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio.

"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."

Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.

The next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of coffee and the weather forecast declares "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."

Again, Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.

Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast says, "There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the -"

Just then the power goes out and Ole doesn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"

Lena replies "Aw, Ole, why don't you just leave the car in the garage today?"

One day, two guys were driving to a local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red.

The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!"

Then the driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother allways drives like this."

So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!"

The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "I get it! But like I told already, you my mother drives like this all the time!"

Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The driver slammed on his brakes and stopped the car completely. "What the hell are you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?"

The driver replied, "That's my mom's car coming over there!"

A man walks into an auto parts store and says "I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo."

The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says "Yup, seems like a fair trade to me."