Situations — best jokes

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Why does the wind blow from the north in Indiana?
→ Kentucky sucks.

Ring Ring...

- Hello, who is it?

- Is your phone number 13498732?

- No.

- So, why did you pick up the phone?

One day a guy went to a grocery store and the bagger boy asked him "Paper or Plastic" and the man said, "Uh...paper I guess."

Then the bagger boy said your total is $56.35. The man took out his wallet and said "Real or Counterfeit".

A new neighbor arrives. The kids meet.

The local kid: "My mom was born in California! Where was your mom born?"

The other kid answers, "Alaska".

The first one replies: "Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask'er myself!"

When I die I want to go peacefully -- like my grandfather did -- In his sleep.

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:

• ON A HAIRDRYER: Do not use while sleeping.
• ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
• ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap.
• FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION: Defrost.
• ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: Fits one head.
• ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
• ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating.
• ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not Iron clothes on body.
• ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
• ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: May cause drowsiness.
• ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning: Keep out of children.
• ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.
• ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use.
• ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts
• ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
• ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said...

"All right. Get in."

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness', but it doesn't work.

- Can you see farther during the day or at night?

- During the day of course.

- Wrong! During the day you can only see the sun but at night you can see the stars.