Random joke from this category
There are three guys named Manners, Shutup, and Crap.
They were really bored, so they decided to run a race. During the race, Crap fell down, and Manners stopped to help him. But Shutup ran so fast the police caught him. Here's how the conversation went:
- Police Officer #1: What's your name?
- Shutup: Shutup.
- Police Officer #2: Where's your manners?
- Shutup: Back there picking up Crap!
If ever you want to annoy someone who annoys you, just say this punchline to a friend as you're walking by the annoying someone. Repeat this ritual (making sure the annoyance can hear you) constantly, but never tell the annoying someone the rest of the joke.
It will eventually drive them slightly insane!
The punchline is: "And then the president said, "But that's not my duck!"
What really is the rest of the joke? In your dreams, baby!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
What is a country song played backwards?
→ Your wife gets back with you, your dog comes back to life, your car starts, you get your job back and life is great.
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks "whats in the box".
The man says "I'll show ya' if you get me a beer." So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!
Next the bar tender asks "hey! thats prety cool, where did ya' get that?"
The man says "I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer." So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says "I got it from a geenie and a lamp" The bar tender says "If ya' let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer."
The man says "Oh, Okay!"
The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.
The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out!
The geenie says "Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?"
The bar tender says "I wish for a million bucks!!!" And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. "What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!"
And the man says "Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!"
So these three people are hiking in a forest, and all of a sudden these headhunters catch them and bring the hikers to the head headhunter.
The head headhunter says "If you want to live you must complete some tasks. First you must go into the forest, pick some fruits, and bring them back" So the hikers did that and came back.
The head head hunter said "Now you must take the fruits you picked and stick them up your ass."
So the first hiker has apples... Ok, apples it shouldn't be too hard. 1 up okay... 2 up the hiker starts screaming, so the headhunters chop off his head. The second hiker has grapes. Ok, grapes this should be easy! 1 up okay... 2 up fine... 3... 4 the hiker starts laughing like crazy! The headhunters chop off his head.
So the two hikers who got their heads chopped off are up in Heaven and the hiker who had the apples asks the hiker who had the grapes "What happened... you had grapes, I mean you got killed c'mon what happened?"
The guy who had grapes says, "Well the other hiker........ he........ he......... he had watermellons!"
How many bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs?
→ None! He fell.
A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says "fill it up, please". The Attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car are occupied by penguins.
"Hey Buddy" says the attendant to the driver, "These birds can't be happy like this...they're wild animals, you should take them to a zoo or something.." The motorist agrees to do so.
The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once more the attendant sees the penquins installed in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels...
"What's this?" he says to the driver, "I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?"
The driver says "I did...and they had such a great time that today I'm taking them to the beach."
Sally was a girl with no horseback riding experience, yet one day she discided to take her chances. As she climbed on the big Palimino, it took off at a gallop. Sally was sliding off. She tried to grab the mane but she couldn't seem to get a grip. So in a great rush she threw herself from the thundering horse, but her foot got caught in the stirup. She was at the mercy of the pounding hooves, near unconsciousness, when......
The Wall Mart manager came out to turn the ride off.
