Situations — best jokes

A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter:

- You got any grapes?

Guy at the counter says:

- No, we don't have any grapes.

Duck says:

- okay. - and he leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and says:

- You got any grapes?

The man once again replies:

- No! We do not have any grapes.

The duck says:

- Okay. - and he leaves.

The third day the duck walks in again and asks:

- You got any grapes?

The man is very annoyed and says:

- No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I'm gonna nail your bill to the floor!

The duck replies:

- Okay, - and leaves.

The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks:

- You got any nails?

The man at the counter says:

- No.

The duck says:

- Well then, you got any grapes?

What goes Clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop?
→ An Amish drive by shooting!

Don't let your mind wander too far. It is too little to go out alone!

What happens when you play Country music records backwards?
→ You Sober up, your wife comes home and your dog returns to life!

Don't steal... The government doesn't like competition!

What do you call 13 witches in a hot tub?
→ A self cleaning coven!

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.

Earn cash in your spare time.. blackmail your friends!

For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda:

- Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.

- Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde (grandfather) who you misses so much!

Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side.

All were humming:

- Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom.

Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball.

- My medium... Vashtri, - she called.

- Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?

Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called:

- Grampa? Zayde?

- Ah, Milteleh? - a thin voice quavered.

- Yes! Yes! - cried Milty.

- This is your Milty! Grandfather, are you happy in the other world?

- Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord! A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until:

- So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask.

- Zayde, when did you learn to speak English? - sighed Milty.

In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me:

- You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face, she said:

- See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar!'