Situations — best jokes

• It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.
• It is illegal to wear pants that are "firm fitting" around the waist.
• Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.

• Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
• It is considered an offense to shower naked.
• You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
• It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road.
• Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
• If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
• It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
• You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
• Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
• It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
• A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
• Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
• It is illegal to molest a Key deer. If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail.
• It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline.
• It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street. This law is limited to only those who do not own the house. (Repealed 2000)
• Sec. 10-56. While intoxicated, under influence of narcotics, prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired. (Code 1955, ? 28-64)
• Sec. 18-2. Weeds, trash, etc., as a public nuisance - removal by property owner or by city at owner's expense, notice and hearing, lien for expenses. (a) The existence of weeds, trash, undergrowth, brush, filth, garbage or other refuse on any lot, tract or parcel of land within the city which has caused the property to become, or which may reasonably cause the property to become infested, or inhabited by rodents, vermin or wild animals, or may furnish a breeding place for mosquitoes or threatens the public health, safety or welfare, or may reasonably cause disease or adversely affects and impairs the economic welfare of the adjacent property, is declared to constitute a public nuisance and is hereby prohibited.
• Sec. 22-44. Storage, depositing prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person, either as owner, occupant, lessee, agent, tenant, or otherwise, to store or deposit, or cause or permit to be stored or deposited, any abandoned, junked or discarded motor vehicle or motor vehicles upon any public or private property within the city. (Code 1955, ? 20-11)
• The molestation of trash cans is banned.
• Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor.
• Sec. 3-1. Bird sanctuary declared. (a) It is hereby declared that all territory embraced within the corporate limits of the municipality shall be a bird sanctuary. (b) It shall be unlawful for any person within the municipality to shoot, trap or in any manner kill, wound or maim any bird of any kind, or at any time to throw at any birds of any kind any missile with slingshots or any other weapon, or to disturb their eggs or their young or their nests. (Ord. No. 8-59, ?? 1, 2, 8-10-59)
• Jupiter Inlet Colony: Inlet Chickens are considered a 'protected species'.
• Sec. 8-3. Bell or other warning device. No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle. (Code 1967, ? 8-3 Code 1980, ? 8-3)
• It is illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
• A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils.
• It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel.
• Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person.
• In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained.
• Sec. 12-23. Registration required, application, transferability, false statements. (a) All persons must complete and submit to the village an emergency contact registration form for their alarm if they operate or cause to be operated an alarm system in the village. A separate registration is required for each alarm system. Upon receipt of a completed registration form, the police department shall issue a numbered alarm sticker to the applicant to facilitate retrieval of registration information. (Ord. No. 97-17, ? 1, 10-14-97)
• Stage nudity is banned, with the exception of "bona fide" theatrical performances.
• Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine.
• You may not catch crabs.
• If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00.
• It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.

• It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.
• A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.
• Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.
• One-armed piano players must perform for free.
• Any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building.
• The "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned.
• The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.
• Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants.
• Within the city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.

A woman, while touring a small South American country, was shown a bullfight. The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."

The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"

"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. ?1000 pounds or best offer.
Reason for sale:- No longer required. Got married last weekend. Wife knows F**king everything.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.

As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."